The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again (1979)

Comedic side characters are a heavy spice. When sprinkled into a compelling story full of heart, they can elevate it and bring some big laughs. But when left to carry a whole movie… well. This might not be pretty.

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And we’re back! This time I mean it. No more long breaks between posts. I’m going to finish the 70s before the five year anniversary of this blog if it kills me. I am not going to spend a fourth year in this decade. We will make progress. Someone hold me to that.

If you’ll recall, I really liked the original Apple Dumpling Gang. Don Knotts and Tim Conway were comedy gold together, creating magic in a decade marked with way too much lowbrow slapstick. And they didn’t go overboard with the goofiness- their antics were sprinkled tastefully throughout a compelling story of a misanthropic gambler learning to love three sweet orphans and an awesome tomboy cowgirl. But Ron Miller does so love his goofy slapstick, and so little of it is anywhere near as good as the original Apple Dumpling Gang. So, you know, you can’t really blame me for being a little wary of the comedic side characters getting their own movie. I’ve seen this happen before. You know how the fourth and fifth Pirates of the Caribbean movies are awful because they make Jack Sparrow the lead and remove the softer, more human moments in favor of so much goofiness it becomes exhausting? That’s what I’m afraid of here.

Losing Norman Tokar as a director in favor of Vincent McEevety is, as always not super promising, but at least we have the same writer. Don Tait has proven that he can make magic when he really tries… but he’s also proven he can make hot garbage. So, you know, this movie’s kind of a wild card. It went over pretty well with audiences at least, though it was wildly considered to be overly long and inferior to the original.

STORY

In the original Apple Dumpling Gang review, I made the pseudo-but-not-really joke that Theodore and Amos were married. And yeah, even though I got hate comments for that, which I did not post, I’m still shipping it. Oh, sure, Theodore’s holding Amos like that so he doesn’t fall off of the back of their mule, Clarice, but we all saw that “spread my blanket aside of yours” monologue. Anyway, they’re riding through the desert in search of their place in the history books. Being farmhands won’t make them famous, so it’s time to move on… even if they’ll miss Dusty’s cooking and their little family. I actually really like this mention of the other characters from the first one. Sure, I’d have loved to see them, but it’s consistent with Theodore and Amos’s characterization from the original to have them constantly seeking their fortune. And they didn’t want to pay Bill Bixby.

The peaceful ride through the desert abruptly cuts to a burning wagon careening through the night. It clanks to a halt in front of Fort Concho, and the fort’s commander, Major T.P. Gaskill, rushes out to see what’s happening. He looks an awful lot like Sheriff McCoy the best character in the original I said what I said, but don’t worry about it. Lieutenant Jim Ravencroft and Sergeant Slattery muse that it looks like Shoshone activity, because you didn’t think we were just not going to get racist in a Western, did you? Major Gaskill doesn’t care who’s stealing all their supplies, he just wants it to stop. It’s reflecting poorly on his leadership and isn’t that what’s really important? By the way, Jim is Robert Pine, who you may remember from The Bears and I is Chris Pine’s dad!

Amos and Theodore arrive at their destination, a boomtown called Junction City.  It’s the perfect place for two fine upstanding gentlemen to get rich quick, and they won’t even have to commit crimes to do it!  Fame, fortune, prestige – it’s exactly what they wanted.  First things first, though, they’ll need a fancy new wardrobe to go with their fancy new life.  So they walk off, boasting loudly that their lives of crime are over within earshot of Private Jeff Reed.  He’s here to escort Millie Gaskill to her father’s fort, where she’s to be married to Jim Ravencroft.  This piece of work is none too happy that her escort is just  private, so dumps her bags on him and saunters off to go shopping.

Speaking of shopping, Amos and Theodore emerge in their snazzy new suits.  Clarice freaks out because she doesn’t recognize them all cleaned up and smelling like cologne.  But hey, there’s only one thing to do when you look this good, and that’s get your picture taken!  And here’s where I learned that photographers screwed braces to peoples’ backs to ensure that they stayed still.  No wonder people in old photos look so uncomfortable all the time.  But it’s hard not to move when a mule wanders into the studio, rampaging around in a panic looking for her people.  The photographer wails that he’s going to make them pay for the damages as Amos bridal carries Theodore and the chair he’s strapped to out of the destroyed studio.  They do pay for the damages, though.

Theodore wails that their luck hasn’t gotten any better and berates Amos for calling themselves the Apple Dumpling Gang.  But they’re not supposed to be using their real names, and he can’t very well call themselves the Hash Knife Outfit because that’s not who they are anymore.  He had to tell the photographer something.  And you know what?  I actually really like that explanation.  People criticize this movie for referring to these two as the Apple Dumpling Gang when that was the kids in the original, but as many issues as the sequel has, that’s not really one of them in my opinion.  There’s a logical reason for the switch, and it works with the information presented in the first movie, creating a lot more logical consistency between the two than your average Disney live action sequel.  So, you know, I’m with you so far, movie.  It won’t last, but I’m with you for now.

Chaos erupts in the street in front of our hapless heroes, and for once it isn’t their fault.  A bar fight kicks up right behind them, and the combatants roll out onto the street.  Without breaking stride, Marshall Wooly Bill Hitchcock himself shoves our dumbfounded heroes out of his way to pistol whip the drunkards, because that’s how law enforcement works in the Wild Wild West.  Once they’re unconscious, he scoops them up and hauls them off to jail, stopping to flirt with two ladies and sign autographs for a kid.  He declares to his gathered hangers-on that he has a zero tolerance policy for crime, disorder, and other tomfoolery, but hey, Theodore and Amos aren’t criminals anymore.  What could possibly go wrong?

To prove they’re not criminals anymore, Theodore gets the idea for them to open a joint bank account. Unfortunately, the bank is in the middle of being robbed. The real crooks easily convince Theodore and Amos that they’re bank tellers, and our two hapless idiots hand their money right over. They only realize their mistake when the second robber emerges from the vault with sacks of money slung over his shoulder, but by then it’s too late. Their money is gone, and with them standing in the middle of an empty bank. Oops. To make matters worse, the thieves’ horses can’t carry all that money, so they steal Clarice to carry some of the load. A sharp-eyed old woman (Ruth Buzzi, unrecognizable in a bunch of old age makeup and doing her best Una O’Connor impression) screams bloody murder, and they try to shoot at her. But, proving that she’s the best character in the movie, she whips out her own gun and screams abuse at them. And you know, there are few things I love more than an old lady who’s ready to throw down.

Jeff spots the escaping thieves, running straight for Millie. Thinking fast, he dives to tackle her out of the way of their horses’ hooves… right into a mud puddle. And Millie is livid. Far from being grateful that he saved her from getting run over, she screeches like a banshee that he ruined her dress and she’d rather have been run over. So he laughs as she falls back into the mud. Our romantic leads, my friends! And it’s going to get so much worse.

One unimpressive response time later, Wooly Bill finally hears Ruth Buzzi shrieking her head off and springs into action. She tries to point him down the road in the direction the thieves escaped, but he completely ignores her and marches into the bank. Theodore and Amos are still there, looking as guilty as two innocent men possibly can. They try to explain that they were just about to report the crime to the law, but the law found them first. Because these two have the worst luck in the world, when they comply with Wooly Bill’s order to drop their guns, the guns go off. The bullets ricochet right into Wooly Bill’s hands, and before the boys can apologize, Ruth Buzzi shows up, cackling her head off. Someone finally brought Wooly Bill down a peg!

Well, time to get out of dodge. Theodore and Amos scramble out the back door and dig their old clothes out of the trash. Meanwhile, the trouble they’re in gets so much worse when Ruth Buzzi gathers the whole town into that very alley to bellow about the two men who outgunned Wooly Bill. Fortunately, she’s too blind to see that the men she’s yelling at are the ones that did it, but that only goes so far. How are they supposed to get out of town without money or Clarice? Not to mention that Wooly Bill emerges from the doctor vowing revenge against the Apple Dumpling Gang.

An old barn provides good enough cover. Now that the immediate danger is over, Theodore gloats about how Wooly Bill’s looking for two well-dressed gentlemen, not hardened criminals in dirty old clothes. All they have to do is wait for nightfall, and they’re home free. But someone does find them in that barn. Clarice is back! And she’s got the bank money with her! Amos is thrilled to see his favorite girl who’s also the fastest ticket out of there. But Theodore actually makes a good point. If Wooly Bill knows she was with the thieves, he can track her, and then they’re good as dead. So they have to get rid of that money.

If they’re going to get rid of the money, they might as well return it and clear their name. Theodore creeps over the rooftops, setting up a pulley system to drop the money back in, while Amos drafts an apology letter. It’s a tricky operation. Wooly Bill is in the bank below looking for clues. So, naturally, the pulley system doesn’t work. Theodore tumbles off the roof and flails wildly back and forth until he smashes right into the bank window. Amos grabs him, but the money continues to swing. It whacks Wooly Bill full in the face, sending him flying backwards into the wall and severely injuring his neck.

Now they really have to get out of Junction City. And they don’t have much time to do it. Wooly Bill is gunning right for them, neck brace or no neck brace. They dive into the bed of a wagon full of champagne, hiding under a sheet just as Wooly Bill climbs onto the same wagon to announce that he’s going to find and kill that Apple Dumpling Gang if it’s the last thing he does. He rides off in search of his prey, and no sooner is he gone does Jeff show up to finish loading the champagne. Millie, still in her muddy dress, sulks about how long he took to pack. She complains the whole, long, ride, about how a lowly private came to escort her instead of an officer, about how he kept her waiting, about the bumps in the road, and everything in between. To be fair, it is a very bumpy road. So bumpy that the champagne corks pop right out, drenching the stowaways.

Finally, they arrive at the fort. Jeff gets a little too handsy helping Millie out of the wagon. Millie launches herself at her father, bawling about how terribly she’s been treated while her fiance Jim gets her things off the wagon. Everyone gets a shock when he pulls back the sheet and finds two very drunk Apple Dumplings lying there, too schloshed to understand how much trouble they’re in. Mouthing off to the officers gets them conscripted. As they get hauled off to sober up, a trapper rides in to report that he found two dead soldiers in the wilderness. Arrows stick out of their chest, and the supplies they were guarding are gone. Jeff sneaks into the building where the evidence is stored to try to steal the arrows, but he gets caught. Jim arrests him as a deserter with extreme prejudice.

All the soldiers line up for inspection the next morning. No one’s really adequate, but two recruits in particular fall far short of regulation. Guess which two. It’s the two sleeping on each others’ shoulders, of course! Theodore and Amos stumble for excuses but there’s really nothing they can say for themselves. Smacking the sergeant with the butt of Amos’s rifle is the last straw. They’re punished severely, starting with a month on kitchen duty. That month starts with helping peel potatoes for Millie and Jim’s engagement party. The chef, played by the security guard from Return From Witch Mountain who absolutely cracked me up with his glorious underreaction to being levitated, tasks them with carrying an enormous punch bowl out to the party. Whatever they do, they can’t spill it. So guess what happens.

As they struggle and fumble in a sad echo of the ladder scene from the first movie, Woolly Bill Hitchcock gatecrashes the party. It seems he followed Clarice and her undying loyalty to Amos all the way here. It takes him all of three seconds to find his victims, who understandably panic and drop the punch bowl completely, launching the whole table and sending a cake flying into Wooly Bill’s face. The army pounces to restrain the crazed marshal and all the commotion knocks over a lamp. Everyone scrambles to grab water to pour over the fire, including Jeff, who’s released from military jail just for that purpose. It’s a long scene as the fire continues to spread, and surprisingly dramatic given the kind of movie this is. Oops, did I say everyone grabs water? Theodore and Amos grab buckets of kerosene. With predictable results.

As the fort burns to the ground, Jim tries to take Millie to safety. But Jeff leaps onto the wagon, shoving Jim off and taking the reins himself as Millie screams. She’s gone. And by the next morning, there’s not enough men left to go out to find her. Theodore and Amos’s incompetence has completely decimated Fort Concho, and they’ll pay the price for the destruction. They’re tied to wagon wheels, sentenced to lay in the sun for three days, after which they singlehandedly have to rebuild the fort. Or at least, that’s Gaskill’s orders. Wooly Bill staggers out of the wreckage, snarling like an animal, and declares that he’s going to shoot them right here, right now. He misses, and the soldiers seize him all over again.

Suddenly, Millie’s demanding doesn’t seem quite so unsympathetic. Jeff refuses to let her go. He has to get away from the Army at any cost, and not just because he just kidnapped the Major’s daughter. Millie figures out he’s got something to do with the missing supplies, but he’s not about to elaborate just like that. And hey, you know how I said the romance subplot got worse? Guess what! It’s worse! They pull up to the cabin of an old blind widow named Martha Osten, and Millie pleads for help. And what does this woman say? “A lot of women wouldn’t be all that upset over your predicament!” Like, excuse me?! Just because he’s attractive means you get to totally blow her off? Clearly she is upset at being kidnapped, and you’re just going to laugh in her face?!

Martha invites them to dinner, and Millie tries to excuse herself. Jeff butts in and tells her that she can… as soon as she finishes doing Martha’s chores for her. And the next morning, he tasks her with chopping and carrying wood. Because kidnapping her wasn’t enough, now he’s humiliating her by forcing her into labor against her will, cool cool cool cool. And it’s supposed to be sexy because he’s shirtless, sweaty, and grabbing her butt. He laughs as he piles more wood into her arms than she can carry until she stumbles and falls right into his arms. Their eyes lock. I gag violently.

There’s something to be said for an enemies to lovers plot- I mean, the original movie did that very well! Dusty and Donovan took time to warm up to each other, but that movie wasn’t so wildly misogynistic towards Dusty! She thought she was going to be coerced into a sexual relationship with Donovan, and she went absolutely postal! It was awesome! And Donovan turned out to actually be very respectful of her in the end, which put them on more even footing by the end. Poor Millie gets gradually broken down by her attacker, who has spent 100% of their time together laughing at her, belittling her, harassing her, manhandling her, and forcing her into servitude for a stranger!

Amos and Theodore’s punishment isn’t over yet. They’re put in chains and marched out to be court-martialed and sent to military prison. Wooly Bill jerks out of the infirmary in a straitjacket, laughing maniacally that they’re his to kill before some soldiers push him back inside. Gaskill himself has been dishonorably discharged for being in charge while the fort burned down, and his command its to be passed to Jim. The Apple Dumpling Gang are hauled into a prison wagon while Wooly Bill continues cackling and vowing revenge.

Hey, you guys think that last rant about the Millie/Jeff relationship was bad? Well, now Millie and Martha have a moment alone. Martha gushes about what a good man Jeff is, which is of course, not how Millie sees it. But guys, guys, guys! It’s totally fine that he’s treated her so disgustingly! It’s fine that he abducted her! He loves her! The second Martha says those words, Millie’s entire face softens. Everything she’s been through is romantic now, I guess. And I.. just … what … UGH. Abduction, forced labor, and sexual harassment are just the grown-up version of pulling somebody’s pigtails because you have a crush, don’t you know. Nothing says romance in a family movie like quietly accepting abuse.

While I’m seething, Jeff rides through the woods and finds the trapper from earlier, who calls him…. Captain Phillips? But I thought his name was Private Reed? Something’s weird here. Turns out Phillips is his real name, and he’s undercover investigating the thefts. He’s involved, but not as a perpetrator! He returns to the cabin to find that Millie left. It’s supposed to be a sad moment, but all I can think is good for her! She should get out of there! She needed to get out of there! And god knows Martha’s not going to help her. She’s too busy being sympathetic to Jeff for losing his punching bag than considering why Millie would take her chances in the wilderness. I do not like this woman.

All the inmates of the prison whisper about the arrival of the mysterious outlaws who shot Wooly Bill Hitchcock. Of course, that fearsome reputation is a completely lie, and as excited as Amos is, Theodore knows that it can’t last. The obvious solution is to intimidate the biggest, scariest prisoner in the place. This would probably be a lot easier if they could actually lift a little old man by the shirt, but at least they find out that the guy in charge is called Big Mac. It’s a start!

Major Gaskill gets ready to leave Fort Concho, lamenting that they didn’t let Wooly Bill kill Amos and Theodore when they had the chance. But, hey, the Marshall’s out of the mental hospital, so there’s still hope. Now it’s all up to Jim to stop the robberies, and best of luck to him. Apparently Millie survived the wilderness and got back to the fort in one piece, because she’s there giving her dad her sympathies. Mostly because now her wedding’s delayed. Jim promises they’ll be married as soon as possible, and Millie looks all sad and conflicted while a sad echo of the theme music from the wood pile plays. And you have got to be kidding me. Who cares how badly Jeff’s treated her, we’re supposed to believe she loves him back now. K.

It turns out there’s a series of tunnels under the prison, and for some reason Amos and Theodore end up pushing a heavy cart full of pots and pans through them. Being idiots, they get lost, and Theodore stumbles into a loose stone in the wall that reveals a secret passageway. There they find an opulent gambling den because the 70s led by Big Mac, the very man they wanted to see (Jack Elam, in his final Disney role)! He and his goons are gathered around a sumptuous feast, dressed in the finest clothes and chomping on cigars while plotting to rob a train, a big step up from the army wagons they’ve been robbing. Big Mac cheerfully greets the infamous Apple Dumpling Gang and proves that he’s not scared of them by bending a steel bar with his bare hands. It’s totally not a pool noodle. Cowed, Amos and Theodore swear they know nothing about a train robbery, but hey, Big Mac could use some more guys. He tosses them a gun so they can prove their worth, and Amos immediately shoots the tip off Mac’s cigar completely by accident.

The tunnels, as it turns out, go right outside the prison, making the perfect hideout for stolen goods. Stolen goods like those one might steal off an army supply wagon, in fact. It’s all coming together. With a little wit and an outside man, Big Mac and his guys can come and go as they please. So can the Apple Dumpling Gang, now, so long as they follow orders and meet at the saloon at noon. This isn’t exactly how two guys trying to go straight would act, but Theodore promises that they’ll have no part in this train robbery nonsense. Instead, they’re going to report the thefts to local law enforcement because that’s what law-abiding citizens would do. Oops, the sheriff’s out of town and the only lawman around is a drunken, delusional wreck holed up in the saloon. That’s right, it’s Wooly Bill Hitchcock!

Okay, new plan. They’ve got to get out of here. But the second they turn towards the door, Mac blocks the way. They dart towards the back door and make a wrong turn, ending up backstage in the showgirls’ dressing room. But it’s a blessing in disguise, because what better disguise could there possibly be than drag? Within literally seconds, they’re dressed up as showgirls, wigs, makeup, and all, and they haplessly meander onto the stage like they didn’t take the time to get dressed. Catcalls and wolf whistles fill the air, and it turns out that the whole audience is made up of their old enemies. The bank robbers from earlier, Wooly Bill, Mac’s boys, the gang’s all here. So there’s only one way to distract them long enough to get away. It’s time to dance!

The bank robbers yank them off the stage and immediately start harassing them. Because the men in this movie, you guys. One of them straight up tries to take Amos home even as he protests. It’s ick. At least Amos and Theodore don’t make any off-color cracks about wearing women’s’ clothes. It’s kind of nice that this scene avoids being homophobic or transphobic as much as the subject matter allows. And hey, at least the disguise works. That is, until Clarice shows up to give them away yet again. Her rampage is their cue to leave, but it also wakes Wooly Bill from his drunken stupor. He doesn’t chase them for long before a curtain rope snares his foot and dangles him upside down above the stage and that’s the last we see of him. Theodore smashes out of a window and the two run for their lives.

Poor Clarice gets traded to a local Shoshone settlement for her trouble in exchange for blankets to cover the showgirl dresses. And all those points I gave this movie for not acting like the showgirl dresses are humiliating are instantly gone, not just because they had to hide them but because they’re now pretending to be Shoshone men named Standing Elk and Running Bear. Come on, guys. Hidden in their new fake identities, the Apple Dumpling Gang boards the next train out of town. Turns out it’s the very train Mac’s men were supposed to rob of army supplies! But true to form, Amos and Theodore figure that out too late and the train is already moving.

Speaking of things I’d rather not, Jeff is on the case, leaping across the roof to catch the crooks red-handed. Millie’s there too for some reason, so he swoops down and grabs her by the waist. She’s startled but who cares he’s hot and she’s just a girl right. He asks if she got married yet, and when she says no, he takes that as a greenlight to lay a big old smooch on her lips. Because not being married to Jim is the same thing as consent, even if she reacts in horror. But it’s okay, guys! He reveals his true identity, and once she finds out he outranks her dad, she’s all gooey-eyed over him. Good thing he’s declared that she’s actually marrying him once this robbery’s stopped. And she’s just like okay and I foresee a long and happy life for this couple. Not.

Big Mac rides up to watch the chaos from afar. His outside man sidles up beside him, watching hungrily for the biggest payday yet. Shocker! It’s Jim Ravencroft! He’s been behind the wagon thefts all along! I didn’t really make this clear because I don’t care, but he’s been acting super sketch this entire time. The reveal’s not all that shocking. But here we are. His fiancée spots the robbers on the move and follows them back to the roof just in time to see Jeff get knocked out. And Millie may be poorly written, but I’m always going to cheer when a female lead in a 70s movie gets to throw a bad guy off a train.

Aaaand just as I said something nice, a band of Shoshone ride up, in full war paint, blasting arrows willy-nilly, and whooping up a storm. SIGH. And yes, every single one of them is a white dude in a bad wig. Jim and Mac turn tail and run for it before the raid gets ugly, and Amos and Theodore realize they’re probably in less danger from the bank robbers than the Shoshone. Because of course they are. The train screeches to a halt so the conductor can find out what’s going on. Turns out the reason they’re so murderously upset is because two passengers on the train traded them a mule for two blankets and the mule ran away. Because those silly indigenous people will start a war over anything, amirite? And of course he speaks broken English and of course the bad guys tear the blankets off so everyone can laugh at the thieves’ sparkly dresses and why can’t we have one nice thing in this film?

With all that settled, Mac declares that it’s tile to get on with the robbery. Not on Jeff’s watch. He stands up and announces that he’s Captain Jeff Phillips of Army Intelligence blah blah blah and they’re all under arrest. Horrified, Jim protests and tries to run for it, but Amos and Theodore bumble into knocking the other thieves out. Jeff is a little taken aback by the outfits, but cordially thanks them for their help. When all is said and done, everything wraps up in a neat little bow. Amos and Theodore, back in their own clothes, ride through the desert, reading about their own exploits in the newspaper. Wooly Bill pardons them completely offscreen, insisting he knew they were good guys all along and his life-ruining humiliation was all part of the plan. But more importantly, it’s time to go home to Dusty, Donovan, and the kids, back to being farmhands and weird uncles. Back to the family called the Apple Dumpling Gang.

The first Apple Dumpling Gang really surprised me, in the best possible way. Rides Again also surprised me. In a much worse way. I knew it wasn’t going to be as good as the first, sequels rarely are, even now. But it wasn’t for the reason I expected. They did manage to not overuse Theodore and Amos like I thought they would. Their antics were tastefully sprinkled throughout and honestly I felt they were a little underused- there’s nothing here that holds a candle to the ladder scene from the first one, for example. No, it’s all the new characters and plotlines that really make this a tough watch. The wagon thefts just aren’t compelling, Mac comes in too late to be impactful, and Wooly Bill gets off to an excellent start and fizzles out. And do not even get me started on Millie and Jeff. I’m sure there have been worse obligatory romances on this blog, but I’m struggling to think of any.

CHARACTERS

Amos Tucker and Theodore Ogelvie haven’t changed all that much. Sure, they don’t want to be criminals anymore, but they’re just as bad at being good guys as thieves. It actually makes them pretty sympathetic characters, really. They’re trying their best but trouble just keeps on finding them. Don Knotts and Tim Conway continue to make comedy magic together, no small feat given the material they’re working with. It’s a shame the Apple Dumpling Gang films were the only times they got to work together (they never share a scene in Gus), because they’re so much funnier than anything else in this decade. It’s also a shame that this was Conway’s last Disney film, and Knotts’ last Disney film for a very long time. We’ll miss you, boys!

Captain Jeff Phillips is a jerk. He’s awful. We’re supposed to be swept away by his manly macho manliness, but he’s so gross. And on some level, the writers knew it because they show Millie begging for help, but he’s still our romantic lead! It’s an incredible disconnect, and it makes it impossible to root for him. That’s not just me watching this through a 2023 lens, either. It’s there in the script. Tim Matheson is famous for playing a frat boy in Animal House the year before this, and he’s just playing that same frat boy with a fancy uniform. And for a Disney connection, he was the face of Body Wars in Epcot back when that was a thing.

Millie Gaskill is what happens when you try to modernize Taming of the Shrew without recognizing that it’s satirizing gender roles. She swings wildly between being a shrieking harpy, a helpless victim, and a glassy-eyed helpmeet. None of those make her come off well. She’s so unlikable at the beginning that you don’t sympathize or root for her until she’s being utterly humiliated and broken. And even that’s just like, basic human decency more than any credit to the character. It’s actually hard to watch, especially the wood pile scene. Elyssa Davalos, Niki Carpenter on MacGyver, is absolutely gorgeous to the point where I had multiple notes about what conditioner she used because her hair is so shiny. It’s unfortunate that she has such a terribly written character to work with. I miss Dusty.

Marshal Wooly Bill Hitchcock is technically our main villain, but again, it’s hard not to feel bad for the guy on a basic human level. The Apple Dumpling Gang ruin the poor guy’s life and sanity, through no real malice of their own. It’s a shame he deteriorates so fast to the point where most of the latter half of the movie gives him animalistic growls instead of dialogue, because the first half is exactly the kind of over-the-top dramatic personality I’m usually drawn to. Seriously, his speech about how he’s going to catch and kill the Apple Dumpling Gang for outgunning him must be seen to be believed. Kenneth Mars’s comedy cops are well known from Mel Brooks films like Young Frankenstein and The Producers. However, if you’re n this blog, you’d recognize his voice immediately as King Triton. I know I did!

Major T.P. Gaskill isn’t paid enough for any of this. The guy’s already stressed out because of the robberies causing him to lose his job, then here come these two yahoos. And I can only imagine what happened after it got out that the guy he left in charge who was supposed to marry his daughter was responsible for the whole mess. They never do resolve that. And it is weird to see Harry Morgan in such a serious role in Rides Again, when he was the funniest character in the whole original movie! I adored McCoy! And Gaskill only gets to scowl and moan about how his life is ruined. Even worse, this is Harry Morgan’s last performance in a Disney movie. I adored him in his more comedic roles, like Sheriff McCoy and the drifter from Snowball Express, and this is the role he goes out on?

MUSIC

The musical team from the first movie, Paul J. Smith and Buddy Baker, are back, and this score sounds just as much like Frontierland as the first movie. In fact, I swear the piece played during Millie’s engagement party before the fire plays in the queue for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, though I can’t actually confirm that. There’s some nice use of leitmotifs throughout the movie, too. Woolly Bill gets this brassy heroic mark that plays slower and more offkey every time the Apple Dumpling Gang humiliates him, and Jeff and Millie get a love theme that’s surprisingly pretty considering how disgusting their romance is. But the best, of course, belongs to Amos and Theodore themselves, a plodding, lackadaisical melody of banjo strings that occasionally samples the melody from the theme song. This movie isn’t great but it’s certainly not because of the music.

ARTISTRY

Likewise, Frank V. Phillips’ cinematography is just as solid as the first time around. It’s nothing groundbreaking, though there’s some nice use of lighting throughout especially during the fire, but the Frontierland setting has some nice gags that add some visual interest. The location shooting on Kanab Creek, Utah and the Sierra Railroad in California make things feel more real than the old Golden Oak Ranch might.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I have never related so much to a potato in my life. After the surprise and delight that was the original Apple Dumpling Gang, I had hope that this might be good, if not as good. And yeah, the thing I was afraid of, too much goofiness to the point where it became tiring, didn’t happen. Once again, Amos and Theodore are the best thing about it, alongside the wacky lawman (though that plot fizzles out). No, what really lets this movie down is the absolute worst love story I have ever seen in my life. It drags down everything around it into an end result that’s only barely watchable.

Favorite scene: “BLOW IT OUT YOUR EAR, SHEEP LOVER!” I love a feisty old lady.

Final rating: 4/10. I didn’t actually hate the parts that were actually about Theodore and Amos, but Jeff and Millie.. shudder.