Swiss Family Robinson (1960)

I know my loyal followers have been waiting for my take on this one with bated breath for a very long time so without further ado, here it is! Let’s live out our childhood dreams of riding to our awesome treehouse on the backs of some seriously misplaced wildlife!

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This book was awful. It was awful. It was just a list of all the weird stuff they found and Papa Robinson flexing on how much smarter he is than everyone else. There was no plot. No conflict. Just “and then we found a kangaroo and then we found an anaconda and then we found a zebra and then we found….”. So yeah. I was not thrilled with it. But it’s one of the most beloved Disney live action films of all time so clearly they improved on it somewhat.

Actually, director Ken Annakin was skeptical about making a movie from Johann David Wyss’s slog of a book, too. Walt had the idea during the making of Third Man on the Mountain, but because he was pretty distracted with his TV show, preparations for the 1964 World’s Fair, and plans for a whole new theme park, all they really had to go on was “do this.”. The plan Bill Anderson and his writing team ended up going with was not to base the movie off of the book. They scrapped almost 90% of the events of the novel, keeping only the characters’ names and the idea of a family making the best of being stranded on a desert island. They even added something remarkable… a plot!

With the script problems out of the way, the filmmakers had to figure out where to shoot. They’d need a very specific sort of locale to serve as their island paradise. Africa and South Asia were tossed around but in the end, they ended up in the Caribbean Island of Tobago. Here were swamps, mountains, and pristine beaches that exactly mirrored the scenes in the script. The locals were happy to allow the filmmakers to build warehouses and other facilities from scratch, no small thanks to their assistance in helping prepare for a major hurricane.

This was one of the most dangerous films Disney has made to date. Working with so many wild animals meant even fourteen trainers couldn’t keep their instincts at bay. One scene involving a pirate being chased by a tiger required a trainer to stand in as the extra, lest the actor get mauled. The stars, too, had their share of mishaps. James Macarthur, just as rebelliously adventurous as in Third Man on the Mountain, kept running off to scuba dive and got alarmingly close to a massive great white shark. Sir John Mills fell into a pool and narrowly missed a huge, sharp rock that could have mangled his foot. And our good friend Kevin Corcoran almost got pinned underwater by a baby elephant’s foot. He only escaped drowning because a wave lifted the elephant long enough for him to get to the surface.

Despite all this, the cast and crew reported having a blast creating this film. Tommy Kirk even calls it his favorite film he ever made. The end result is, as previously mentioned, an unrequited classic. From the start, it earned rave reviews for its inventive script and solid directing. It made back ten times its budget and became the highest grossing film of 1960. For reference, this puts it ahead of such historically significant films as Spartacus and Psycho! Swiss Family Robinson retains an 84% on Rotten Tomatoes and a dedicated fanbase. In fact, George Lucas has gone on record saying that this is his favorite movie. He based several key scenes in the Star Wars films off of it, including the Ewok battle and the garbage masher. And yes, Anakin Skywalker is named after the director!

Well, those glowing reviews make me feel a lot better than the book did. Let’s see if we have another 20,000 Leagues on our hands!

STORY

No hestitation, we’re jumping right into the action! A vicious storm buffets a poor derelict ship over enormous waves as dramatic organ music plays in the background. Honestly, it doesn’t sound that different from Deep in the Mighty Ocean. And I’ll stop talking about 20,000 Leagues and start talking about Swiss Family Robinson now. Maybe. Anyway, the titular Robinson family is trapped below decks. Things go from bad to worse as the ship crashes on a jagged rock. Mother, Father, and all three sons know they are monumentally screwed.

The storm ends like all storms do, and Fritz, the oldest son bashes his way out of the deck. Ernst, the middle son gets super excited to commandeer the abandoned ship but everyone else is more concerned that the ship is abandoned. Because that is the intelligent thing to be concerned about at this moment and also Ernst is the worst. This will be a theme of this movie. It seems the same cowards who ran into a storm to avoid pirates (offscreen) bailed as soon as it looked like all hope was lost. So the ship is in pieces on the rocks and the Robinsons are on their own.

But things quickly start looking up! This will be another theme of this movie: like in the book, these people are ridiculously, uncannily lucky. The rock they hit just happens to be really close to safe, dry land. Their livestock and belongings just happen to be completely unharmed. Sure, Francis, the youngest son screams for help, but he just happens to only be being loved to death by the captains two enormous Great Danes. They’re stranded, but everything’s just hunky-dory. It stretches the old suspension of disbelief pretty far, that’s all I’m saying.

Everyone gathers the essentials and climbs onto the raft Fritz and Father built out of pieces of broken barrels. To Father’s, mine, and everyone else’s annoyance, Francis has decided that “essentials” means to fill the tubs to the brim with ducks. When Father starts removing the fowl, we’re sentenced to that patented Kevin Corcoran shrieking. And guys, I’ve bit my tongue about this the past few movies because he is a kid, but he’s been in enough movies at this point that I feel justified in finally saying it. My God, this child is annoying. And he’s at his worst in this one, like he’s learned nothing from the previous five (?) times we’ve seen him. Anyway, once Father straightens everyone’s priorities, they grab ropes and swing for the raft, all except Mother who is treated like an infant for no real reason. And even after all the boys’ fussing, she still misses the raft and splashes into the water. The gender stuff in this movie ain’t great, ya’ll.

They’re underway, but Francis screeches that they just can’t leave the dogs. And as irritating as it is that he’s screaming “they’re my dogs!” in the same intonation he used three years and four movies ago in Old Yeller, I’m inclined to agree with him here. Save the doggos! Father makes the tough decision to leave them and their bigger animals for later and save themselves with the promise to go back later. Francis overrules him and whistles for the dogs, and these two good boys paddle resolutely along the whole way. And so begins the first of many, many instances of animal cruelty. Okay, Great Danes can doggy paddle and we don’t know how long they were made to do it, but the thought of dogs having to swim as far as the movie makes it seem doesn’t sit well with me. The waves start getting rough, and finally the family lets the dogs onto the raft.

They make landfall, and the dogs race down the beach as dogs do when you keep them confined and then let them loose. Francis ignores his mother’s calls for him to stay with her when they’re in a strange place and runs after them. And they find a tortoise! Normally, I’d be super stoked about this because I am all about tortoises, but Francis immediately decides it exists for him to ride on. Of course, this scares the poor tortoise into plodding away, because it’s almost like nature doesn’t exist for the amusement of humans. But it does in this movie, as we will soon see. Mother and Father call Francis back and he slides down to leave the poor tortoise alone. Father, all practicality, starts making plans to unload the rest of the stuff off the shipwreck, but Mother stops him and kneels down. There’s something else they need to do first. The whole family kneels down to thank God for keeping them safe from the wreck.

Later on, the two older brothers and Father struggle to construct a tent from some pieces of sail. Meanwhile, Mother tries to help Francis choke down some dry biscuits. Clearly this whole island survival thing is off to a great start. As they work, a tiger skulks through the bushes, eying these tasty tasty sacks of meat that just washed up. Suddenly, Mother Robinson screams! But it’s not because she noticed the tiger. No, she was just startled by the creepy crawly lizards. Because we have to establish that the woman is weak and easily panics. Only men can be capable. The woman is here to look pretty and emit bad horror movie screams.

If you’ve ever been to the tropics, you know it thunderstorms a lot. Dramatically. A lot. So, naturally, thunder starts rolling as they’re settling in to sleep. Mother steps out of their pathetic excuse for a shelter to try to pull Father out of his thoughts. And I joke, but I actually really like this scene. Mother and Father discuss the reasons why they left Switzerland, and allowing them to exist as a couple apart from their sons allows them to feel like much more realistic characters. They wanted to escape the Napoleonic Wars and find a new life in New Guinea, so Father brings up a pretty good point. Why not start that new life here instead? Mother has her doubts and convinces him to hold out hope of rescue. Of course, at this moment that lovely tropical storm starts and the tent does exactly nothing to protect then from the sideways rain.

Once again, the storm comes to an end and Fritz and Ernst get to work bringing the livestock and other supplies to shore. On the way, Ernst spots a ship in the distance. They’re saved! Twenty minutes in! Movie over! It’s a miracle! Yeah, no, they’re not saved. The ship belongs to none other than the very pirates they escaped from before the movie started. And these pirates. Guys. I know Paul warned me about this. But these pirates are baaaaaad. They’re like this weird mismash of every East and South Asian stereotype you can think of, babbling to each other in mingled gibberish and Indonesian. Which begs the question: if you’re going to bother using some Indonesian, why not go all the way? Oh, right, lazy white dudes during the time everyone was panicking over Chinese Communism. Anyway.

The racist caricatures shoot their cannons at the boys until dad has the brilliant idea to run up a flag that signals the ship is carrying the Black Death. No treasure is worth that, so the pirates turn tail and run. The boys load their stuff onto the raft with no farther incident. However, there are plenty of incidents once they’re out on the open sea. One of the hogs refuses to swim the right way, to Ernst’s great irritation. More urgent, though, is the school of sharks that arrive hoping to chow down on the huge buffet in front of them. And I get that these animals are an active threat but again, I do not like the relish with which the boys beat down on them. Well, it’s probably fine. If there’s one scene in this movie that uses True Life Adventure footage juxtaposed with the boys stabbing and shooting at empty water, this is it.

Once the sharks are gone, there’s one local animal left in their water. It’s a sea turtle! A beautiful, grumpy sea turtle! There are two turtles in this movie! Sadly, this one isn’t treated better than its land-dwelling cousin. Ernst lassoes it and ties it to the raft, making it pull them forward towards land. I get it, work smarter, not harder and I’m pretty sure it’s an animatronic, but dude. Not everything exists to serve you. The pro-colonialism in this movie is incredibly grating, and the treatment of animals is the worst we’ve seen since the poor cow in Old Yeller. I know animal rights are a fairly recent development but there’s a difference between knowing that and seeing it.

Let’s move off of that tangent I’ll return to like twelve more times and return to the beach with Francis and Mother. Or, Francis, at least. He’s found a baby elephant, and by the laws of colonialism that means it belongs to him. First, though, he’s got to catch it, so he gets to work setting an enormous snare. What he doesn’t know is that the tiger from before is lurking in the bushes, waiting to strike. And strike it does, at the exact moment Francis pulls the snare around the elephant’s leg. The two dogs race to the rescue and jump the tiger and I do not know how they filmed this and I do not want to know because this is not safe for the dogs or the tiger and it is incredibly not okay. Once the dogs scare the tiger off, Mother catches up to them and scolds Francis for being an idiot and messing with the wildlife. She does, however, let him keep the elephant because of course she does.

Once the colonizers own something, the next step is obviously to profit off of it. So Francis and his brothers press-gang Rocky the Elephant into helping them build their new shelter. Mother is skeptical about building such a permament shelter when they still hope for rescue. But Father is all in on the awesome treehouse they’re building and spouts the line that embodies the very reason this movie is so popular. “The world is full of nice, ordinary little people living in nice, ordinary little houses on the ground. But didn’t you ever dream of having a house up in a treetop?”. And really, who hasn’t?

She’s still not convinced, so Father lets her up to see what they’ve built so far. Francis follows and has a blast swinging in the hammock Fritz rigged up. Mother, understandably nervous about being that high up with nothing at all between them and a sheer drop, insists on Francis having a rope tied around his waist. And it’s a good thing, too. Francis spots some spider monkeys climbing around above his head and decides that he just has to pet them. I guess they’re too small to ride. Unsurprisingly, he falls, only saved when Ernst grabs the other end of the rope from above and lowers him to the floor. But, to the delight of his brothers, he got his monkey! And without getting bitten! Mother is horrified and declares that until Father builds a railing, she and Francis are keeping their feet planted firmly on the ground.

She’s not given much time to stick to her guns. We cut to the next scene, and the treehouse is completely finished. The boys excitedly lead their blindfolded mother to see their handiwork. And guys. I’ve talked a lot of smack about this movie so far. But this treehouse is glorious. I want to live there and I do not like heights. Mother’s much more okay with them now, though, mostly because the boys built safety rails. Oh, and a fully functional kitchen. And running water! And a skylight! It really is incredible, something out of a fantasy that only Walt Disney could have made a reality. This sequence alone makes this movie a classic, because it so embodies the childhood dreams of every kid who grew up wanting a treehouse. For some reason, Mother starts crying over the curtains, but hey, if that’s the only flaw you can find I’m going to call that a win. It’s so, so cool up there.

Mother fixes the curtains while singing happily because apparently she’s 100% on board with living here a while now. Father and Fritz have a canoe nearly completed and Ernst is sitting in a corner reading. He decides all the weird misplaced wildlife are here because this island used to be part of a land bridge. He and Fritz beg their father to let them sail around to see if it really is a land bridge or even an island at all. Father is all for it but he knows Mother has already put her foot down. She doesn’t want her boys out of her sight and honestly? As overprotective as she’s being, I can see where she’s coming from. They are, after all, shipwrecked and menaced by pirates.

Before the boys get to the point of asking their mother’s permission to sail around the island, Francis tumbles in screaming. As he does. This time, he’s found a herd of ostriches, who drag him behind because they are not thrilled with his efforts to snare everything he sees. The older boys jump in to help tame the birds while Mother laughs at their antics. And of course, Ernst hops right up onto the captive ostrich’s back. What are animals for if not for riding on? Oh, wait, that’s dumb, this will get your face stomped.

In the next scene, the boys are having the time of their lives splashing around in a beautiful pool fed by spectacular waterfalls with just a hint of malaria. Mother sits on the side with her parosal watching and I swear I’ll stop whining about her getting sidelined from all the fun scenes but they just keep doing it and it is incredibly frustrating argh. Father pulls away from the frivolity to gush about how great their new life is and how he’d be totally cool staying here. Mother is still not convinced, but not because she hasn’t warmed up to the island. She just wants her boys to grow up, get married, and have a normal life, and that’s not possible on an island with no people.

Well, that’s all the segue Father needs. He agrees with her, and he has the perfect solution. He’ll just send the two older boys off to sail around the island and see what they can find. Mother is horrified but Father convinces her that it’s the only chance they have of finding other people who aren’t pirates. So she agrees. The next morning, Fritz and Ernst set off with tearful goodbyes and promises to stay safe. And also to bring Francis a crocodile. Probably so he can ride it. This kid, man. And off they go on a daring adventure to the movie’s B-plot.

At first, things go great. The boys find a pristine beach teeming with fat red fish. Fritz does some sunbathing and reminisces about Switzerland. They do some brotherly bonding over objectifying women. But when they sail on, they spot the pirate ship, unloading its crew onto the beach. They make their way up to hide behind the rocks to watch, helpless, as the pirates menace an old ship captain and his strangely effeminate grandson. The pirate captain speaks this awful broken Engrish throughout his negotiations with the old man and it is agonizing to watch. It’s the Native Americans from Peter Pan all over again. Anyway, the old man convinces the pirate to let him go write a ransom note so he can pay for their safe return.

Once the pirate captain leaves, presumably to tell his crew what’s going on, Fritz and Ernst sneak out to help free the captives. The old man pleads with them to leave him and get the boy, Bertie, to safety, which they’re forced to do when the pirate captain notices. The weirdly feminine boy faceplants and twists his ankle because he is utterly incompetent, but he gets safely into the woods with the Robinson boys. Bertie, Fritz, and Ernst share stories, though Bertie is weirdly reluctant to talk lest they hear his voice. A pirate rushes out of the jungle to attack them, so Fritz and Ernst trick him into tripping and falling unconscious while Bertie gasps and looks terrified.

Once the coast is clear, the group stops to make camp. Bertie sits away from the other two, worrying about his grandfather. Meanwhile, Fritz and Ernst make fun of him behind his back for being effeminate and a sissy. Classy, guys. Real classy. And they’re not done. Day arrives and they have to cross a swamp. Well, there’s only one thing to do. They’ll just have to strip it down and carry their clothes over their heads. Bertie is understandably not on board with this, but the guys are so weirdly aggressive about it that he has no choice but to steal Ernst’s pistol. He declares that he’s going back to wait for his grandfather, but the boys are having none of it. Ernst chucks rocks at him while Fritz actually lunges and tries to wrestle the gun away. In the scuffle, the weirdly feminine Bertie’s hat falls off and reveals… she’s a girl!

Well, it was such a bad disguise that the writers had to make her do something to prove that this short-haired person wearing pants and no hat is female. So Bertie immediately starts crying. Because, you know, women, amirite? Not that she doesn’t have a reason to be upset, mind, being forced to hide with her grandfather’s fate unknown and pirates looking for her. It’s just that the writers made her immediately drop any modicum of toughness the minute her gender is revealed and it rubbed me the wrong way. To make it worse, Fritz and Ernst immediately start treating her like a fragile flower that might die in the slightest breeze. It’s really uncomfortable. Did I mention the gender stuff in this movie isn’t great? Because it’s not.

Anyway, they make camp again and Ernst immediately starts mansplaining the concept of matches. Roberta is enchanted by his insufferable smugness and gushes about how much her grandfather would love having him aboard his ship. So Ernst the know-it-all starts flirting by quoting The Iliad at her and like, I love me some Greek epics but come on dude. Fritz shares my sentiments, so Roberta tries to be nice and include him in the conversation about literature. But he’s more of the hands-on type, none o’ that fancy book learnin’ for him, so he throws shade at his brother instead. Another day, another swamp, another sinking realization that they might be lost. Roberta spots a tiny little gecko and shrieks like this is a horror movie because women are so delicate. Friggin really, movie? I don’t know a single woman who’s that dramatic about critters they’re afraid of. Stop.

Suddenly, then they encounter something worth screaming over: an enormous anaconda. And this anaconda don’t want none unless you’re Fritz, hon. It develops quite the crush on him. Ten minutes pass with Fritz wrestling with the enormous coils, Ernst uselessly waving a machete around, and Roberta standing in the background screeching. Action sequences really aren’t early Disney’s strong suit, are they? Anyway, finally, Ernst whacks the snake in the head until it falls into the water. During the struggle, Ernst’s compass falls into the water.

Fritz navigates by the skies and they move forward. It’s not working very well. Ernst and Roberta are losing heart fast and decide to back to wait for her grandfather. Fritz has absolutely none of this and snatches up Ernst’s pistol. The two brothers fistfight while Roberta stands there uselessly. Eventually, Fritz wins and pockets it with a reminder that they’re almost out of ammo and won’t make it very far. Might as well stick together. He moves down the cliffs and finds a zebra stick helplessly in the mud and beset by vultures and really fat hyenas. And this poor zebra. You guys. This poor zebra was hit with electric shocks to scare it into jumping around like it’s really trapped. What the hell guys? I’m so glad to live in an era where animal rights are a thing because that’s just horrible. Anyway, Fritz and Roberta try to help it but Ernst swaggers in mocking their efforts. Clearly the better idea is to set some sticks in front of it. That’ll fix everything. And then, once they free it, they can ride it. Because that’s what animals are for.

Christmas arrives at the treehouse. There are presents, there are carols, but there’s a distinct lack of Christmas cheer… except from Francis, who is gungho about opening up his brothers’ presents because he’s convinced they got eaten. Yes, really. Mother and Father shut his sociopathy down flat and send him to bed. On his way up, he hears someone else singing O Christmas Tree. It’s Fritz and Ernst! They’re back! They haven’t been eaten! And they brought a friend! But no one really questions the presence of another human on this island. Francis is too intrigued by the prospect of having another animal to ride. Because, you know, priorities. And while I’m picking this scene apart, how did Fritz and Ernst know it was Christmas? In the book, Father keeps a journal so he always knows what day it is, so that makes sense. But how did the boys know? Does Ernst have a journal? I bet Ernst has a journal.

Anyway, now that they’re home, everyone finally has a chance to clean up and regroup. Father has concerns about the pirates now that his boys have taken their prisoner, but they really didn’t have a choice. So, they’ll just have to come up with a plan. Like all good plans, this one involves blowing things up. If the ship is gone, the pirates won’t be able to tell which beach the Robinsons are hiding on. It’s a pretty solid plan. The scene continues with the boys brainstorming some booby traps to rig around the treehouse. Francis is gungho about having a tiger eat the pirates. Seriously, this kid. Meanwhile, upstairs, Roberta and Mother do some female bonding. Mother lends Roberta one of her own dresses and gushes about how she’s always wanted a daughter. She leads her down the stairs and we get the cliché “girl is in pretty dress and all the boys go all heart-eyed.” Including father. So that’s weird.

And then it’s party time! Fritz and Ernst are so utterly enamored with the girl they’ve been shamelessly flirting with all this time that they immediately start trying to one-up each other trying to impress her. Mother strikes up a jaunty polka tune and, while the boys are shoving each other, Father sweeps their lovely guest into a dance. Eventually, Fritz gets his turn with her, then Ernst. And man, watching Roberta getting passed around while Mother frets that one girl just isn’t enough for her three sons is not cool.

At least Francis isn’t obsessing over the one girl, though he is still fixating on filling a pitfall trap with a tiger. Fritz, now in a great mood from all the frivolity, promises he’ll help his baby brother fulfill his dreams of violence. He shoves a piece of banana into Ernst’s belt loop to make Francis’s pet monkey climb all over his back, distracting him into abandoning Roberta. But before Fritz can swoop in, Father snatches her right back up. No biggie, Fritz just brings his little brother into the fray and dances with him instead, which is actually pretty adorable. And the whole family dances into the night to the cheery strains of the Swisskapolka, and man, it is weird hearing that piece outside the parks.

Time to blow stuff up! Father and the older boys go to dispose of the ship to make it harder for the pirates to find them. Francis is still a baby psychopath who’s way too excited by the violence, and Mother sees it as the death of her hopes of leaving the island. Once the ship is gone, the family hauls all their weapons to the top of a cliff, and they get to work setting their traps. Roberta and Ernst fill some coconut shells with gunpowder to use as grenades while Roberta waxes poetic about how great London is. It’s the most romantic I’ve ever heard a woman get about Victorian London. Anyway, Ernst just wants to go to school in the land of pollution and consumption.

This is also the point where I was just completely done with listening to Ernst. He starts throwing shade on the idea of coconut bombs, which yes, is silly but the fact that he’s scoffing about them just because they’re his father’s idea and not his. Really. Francis calls him on it. This is why Ernst is the worst: only his ideas are ever good and everyone else is just so laughably foolish. He also starts laying into his baby brother for making alarms made of bells to tell them if any pirates are coming at them from behind. Shut up, Ernst. Francis lunges at his brother in a screechy Kevin Corcoran rage and really, for once I’m Team Francis.

Fritz calls for help containing some logs into a mechanism meant to dump logs on pirates, so Roberta runs to his aid. Just as he lifts her off a rock, Ernst cuts in to remind us that this is a really stupid love triangle and that he’s smarter than everyone else. Well, he’s smarter than Francis, anyway. The kid just hurls a coconut bomb off the cliff, where it explodes. Everyone mistakes the noise for a pirate attack and panics. They’re more than a little disgruntled to see that it was a false alarm and Father snaps at everyone to get back to work.

Roberta and Fritz are left alone again, so she starts the same “Victorian London is so great if you ignore the murder and disease” schpiel. Unlike Ernst, Fritz isn’t drawn in. He’s not exactly the city-dwelling type, and he’s definitely not the office type. He’d much rather be building something new. Like an awesome treehouse. Well, Roberta still wants to spend time with the guy she likes (sorry, Ernst, you don’t have a chance in this dumb love triangle. That’s why it’s dumb). So she coyly asks Fritz to teach her to shoot. She acts all ditzy and helpless as he presses closer to her, correcting her deliberately bad stance. Finally, they give up all pretense and lean in to kiss….

… aaaand Ernst shows up to ruin everything. He’s made a tall hat just like the ones in London to impress Roberta but only succeeds in looking ridiculous. You’re preparing for a big battle and you waste time trying to impress a girl? Really? And you call yourself the smart one. Francis calls Fritz over to help him with something, which leaves Ernst and Roberta. Ernst gallantly offers his boundless expertise on everything to help Roberta learn to shoot… but she picks up the gun and reveals she’s already an expert markswoman! What? This movie has done everything it can to paint Roberta as a helpless female who needs the boys to literally carry her through anything remotely stressful, and now you want her to be an action girl? And even more grating, she never gets a chance to use this skill. So what’s the point?

I’m already frothing at the mouth, so it’s time to cut back to Francis. He excitedly shows Fritz all the traps he’s rigged up in the hopes of catching a tiger in a pit to menace the pirates. Fritz is patient and sweet to his baby brother so Ernst shows up to rain on everybody’s parade and sneer than everyone is stupid except him and no one else’s plans could ever possibly work. Fritz tells him to shut his face which devolves into bickering about Roberta which devolves into a fistfight. The poorly choreographed punches are punctuated by Francis egging them on.

Father trudges up the hill and breaks it up. He decides that they’re fighting because everyone’s stressed out, so he’s going to declare tomorrow a holiday. It’s not like there’s pirates lurking around or anything. Everyone returns to the treehouse to decorate, using strips of flags as banners and stuff. Roberta apologizes to Fritz for basically intentionally pitting the two brothers against each other for her affections. Okay, not in as many words, but that’s what’s happening so. He tries to be sweet and romantic but she knows that when they get off the island he’ll be in New Guinea and she’ll be in London so why bother when it’s only going to hurt to leave oh look they’re kissing.

The short-lived makeout session is interrupted by the snarling of a tiger on the ground. Francis screeches that he caught his tiger and everyone else rushes after him to make sure he doesn’t get himself eaten. To everyone’s astonishment, Francis’s tiger traps worked like a charm. The cat is stuck at the bottom of a pit, just waiting for an unlucky pirate to tumble inside. Also Francis keeps screaming “it’s my tiger!” over and over again and we get it.

The next morning, they get their holiday after all! And the first of the festivities is a race between the kids and their mismatched, reluctant mounts. Even the little spider monkey joins in, riding on the back of one of the dogs. Father acts as the announcer and Mother starts them off from her flower-decked sun chair. And they’re off! But ostriches and zebras are not meant to be ridden by the first jerk who shows up with a rope, and wild donkeys and elephants are questionable at best. I mean, I know it’s not uncommon to domesticate donkeys and elephants but for the most part they’re born with humans, not just lassoed from the wild. Anyway, the race turns into the animals running wild trying to buck off their riders, especially Ernst’s ostrich because why would you even try to ride an ostrich. It’s supposed to be wacky fun but mostly I’m like “maybe if you would stop trying to ride everything you see?”

Duchess, the zebra Roberta has planted herself onto, runs so far off course they end up on the beach. This puts Roberta in a position to make a horrifying discovery. The pirates didn’t wait until after the holiday! They’re attacking now! How rude! Frantic, she runs back to the yard in front of the treehouse to warn the family. Everyone scrambles to their positions, except the dogs who lunge at the intruders. Mother urges everyone to be quiet so they don’t tell the pirates where they are until the time is right, so of course Francis screams for the dogs at the top of his lungs and tells the pirates where they are before the time is right.

Shenanigans ensue. Fritz pulls a lever and collapses a bridge under the pirates’ feet. Ernst unleashes a bolt of arrows from nowhere. Francis’s tiger pit works like a charm, with the pirates bouncing right out like a trampoline from sheer terror which looks absolutely ridiculous. Coconut bombs fly through the air like salmon swimming upstream. Fight choreography continues to not be Disney’s strong point. It goes on forever, too, and while it is pretty funny, it’s not funny for the reasons Disney wants it to be. It’s the same six guys getting launched all over the screen in increasingly silly ways. The jaunty Swisskapolka and Francis’s gleeful shouts like “there’s a man getting squashed!” do little to increase the tension of this climactic scene. There’s no stakes. It’s just silliness, which has a place but not in an action-adventure film.

Captain Kuala gets tired of being clobbered with coconut bombs and weird logs that bend like rubber. He runs up a white flag and asks them to “give boy” so he can “get plenty money” and dear God Disney why. Roberta seriously considers giving herself up to save the Robinsons but they know what awaits her if she does is worse than death, especially if they know she’s a girl. And… wow, guys, you really went there. I’m both proud and disturbed. While they deliberate, Francis’s pirate alarms go off, alerting the family to the same six pirates climbing up the cliff face! Bullets and coconut bombs rain down as Fritz, Ernst, and Father swordfight against the pirates. Even Mother gets in some good shots. Roberta still does nothing.

Ammo starts running low and Father gets scratched on the arm. We’re supposed to think things are looking grim but we’ve never gotten any sense of danger this whole movie so why would we start now? A ship sails out of nowhere and blasts the pirate ship to smithereens in one clean shot. It’s Roberta’s grandfather! They’re saved! The Robinsons host him up in their awesome treehouse. In return, he happily agrees to take Ernst to London to attend a university, fulfilling his life-long dream. He even gets the tall hat he always wanted!

Roberta’s grandfather offers to take the rest of the family either there or to New Guinea. After a moment’s hesitation, Mother declares that she, Father, and Francis would like to stay on the island. After all, they have everything they could ever want here, so why bother returning to society? Naturally, being white people during the golden age of imperialism, the grandfather declares that he’s going to bring more colonists over so Father can be a proper governer. This entirely defeats the purpose of living on a beautiful, pristine, deserted island untouched by man, but hey. They’ve already claimed every living being of this island for their own, who would dare question that authority, right?

During all this, Fritz is off sulking by the swimming hole. Roberta chases after him to break the news that is parents are staying and invite him to return to London with her. All he needs is her, right? Because romantic love supercedes literally everything else? Yeah, no, he’s having none of that. He’d rather be alone here than in London with her, which I can respect because she’s an awful character, but at least she gets a goodbye kiss.

Once again, Ernst interrupts but apparently he’s cool with his brother stealing his girl. He’s just here to warn them that the captain is about to leave. But then something amazing happens. The girl whose entire existence revolves around her stringing these two boys along decides to stay with Fritz! Shocking! Everyone gathers on the beach to wave goodbye to Ernst and smile about how wonderful it is that they have each other.

This movie has not aged well. The treatment of the animals is appalling, with several training techniques (electrocution!) that are now illegal for good reason. The female characters are the most pathetic creatures I’ve seen in this project so far, especially Roberta. The race stuff is painful for literally no reason other than making a political statement that has nothing to do with the actual movie. Ernst and Francis were absolutely insufferable. Honestly, it had a lot of the same issues as Peter Pan, except toned-down and a lot less in my face. The way the family kept lassoing every animal they saw and turning it to profit is incredibly cringy now.

That said, I can actually see why it’s such a classic. There’s something romantic about the idea of surviving on a deserted island with the people you love. The place is exquisite, with beautiful shots of the natural beauty of Tobago sprinkled between the vignettes of the Robinsons’ life. And that treehouse! I hate heights and I want to live in that treehouse! Who didn’t grow up wanting to live in a place like that as a kid? The sense of whimsy and wonder is definitely there. It’s just a shame such unlikable people are carrying it out.

CHARACTERS

Father Robinson is probably the most likeable character here. He’s very witty and clever without rubbing it into anyone’s faces (looking at you, Ernst). It’s his ingenuity that gives us that epic treehouse. He’s a child at heart, same as any of us, with his sons’ best interests at heart even if that involves them leaving for a little bit. I also loved his sarcastic sense of humor, especially when telling Ernst off at the beginning of the film. Sir John Mills is the only main member of the cast we haven’t seen before, but he is the father of Hayley Mills!

Mother Robinson is… well, the stereotypical mother. She cares deeply for her boys and will do anything to keep them safe, even to the detriment of their hopes of rescue. However, she does soften up and let her two grown sons go when push comes to shove. She even takes part in the final battle, which is more than I can say for our other female character. She is definitely a victim of the sexism that still permeated Hollywood in 1960 with little effort to circumvent it in the same way the likes of Maid Marian and the Three Good Fairies did, but she’s still capable and does her job in the story. She’s played by Dorothy McGuire, who played Tommy Kirk’s and Kevin Corcoran’s mother in Old Yeller, too!

Fritz is the oldest brother. He’s a practical guy who’s most at home working with his hands on something tangible. He’s by far the most likeable and realistic of the three brothers. I felt like this is a guy I could hang out with in real life, just a normal down-to-earth guy. This is the final time we’ll see James Macarthur in a Disney movie, and it’s easily my favorite of his four roles. True Son and Davie were very repressed to the point where it’s hard to relate to them (not to mention True Son’s painfully racist story and Davie’s distractingly bad accent). Rudie was better, but still very much the stoic, with one personality trait: mountain climbing. Fritz is James Macarthur letting loose and having fun with a role at last, and he finally, finally shines.

Ernst is the middle brother and he is unbearably annoying. Every line he has is either mansplaining something in a really sad effort to impress Roberta or declaring that he’s smarter than everyone on Earth and everyone else is just too dumb to breathe his air. He’s insufferable. Actually, he’s not so bad in the early scenes when Father shuts down his smarminess, but when he and Fritz sail off to explore the island he just lets it all loose. I could not stand him. It’s a shame, too, because Tommy Kirk is a fine actor. He’s just working with one of the most irritating characters on film.

Francis is the youngest member of the family, and he’s Kevin Corcoran doing what Kevin Corcoran does best: being an annoying little brother. I feel like the directors just told him “Arliss, but more.”. And it’s way too much. It’s definitely not the actor’s fault because we’ve seen him carry Toby Tyler and he did just fine in a child actor kind of way. But he spends half the movie just screaming his lines and throwing tantrums over animals he wants to claim as his own. It’s all he does. There’s no emotional core like Old Yeller or quieter moments like The Shaggy Dog. It’s just screaming. So much screaming.

Roberta is another victim of appalling writing. Like Katrina Van Tassel, she enjoys stringing the boys along and making them fight over her. Unlike Katrina, she is part of an action movie. And as part of an action movie, she is a huge liability and nothing else. Sure, she’s apparently a great shot, but she’s super dramatically terrified of everythjng and prone to hiding in caves or clinging to Fritz’s biceps when push comes to shove. She. Does. Nothing. It’s a huge waste of Janet Munro, who is adorable and a great actress and I loved her in Third Man on the Mountain and Darby O’Gill. She does fine with what she has and there are some hints of her cute crinkle-nose smile, but there’s no saving the script she’s given. It’s embarrassing. Disney’s done great female leads with this same actress. They’ve even done love triangles before. Where did they go wrong here?

MUSIC

Credit where credit is due, Paul J Smith always does immpeccable work with his scores. The opening fanfare sounds, as I mentioned, just like Deep in the Mighty Ocean, and I really got the sense that I was in for an epic adventure. I wasn’t, but that’s not his fault. And of course, who could forget The Swisskapolka? I have fond memories of many an hour sitting in the shade of the jungles of Adventureland, sucking down Dole Whips by the gallon, listening to the jaunty strains of polka music. It’s such a fun piece that perfectly embodies the quirky fun we expect from Disney.

My Heart Was an Island is the only vocal song in this movie, and it’s not even performed in full. Dorothy McGuire sings dreamily and absently as she hangs new curtains in her treehouse, showing that everyone is now acclimated to their idyllic life on the deserted island. It’s a pretty song and her voice is lovely but really, the background music carries this soundtrack.

ARTISTRY

Almost all of Swiss Family Robinson was shot on location in Tobago, and they did an amazing job of capturing the island’s natural beauty. This movie is gorgeous, with special care taken to make the lush colors of the island pop onto the screen. The famous treehouse was built in sections in a real tree, so that the family could be filmed building it onscreen. And seriously. Who doesn’t want to live in that house?

THEME PARK INFLUENCE

The Adventureland sections of Florida’s Magic Kingdom, Disneyland Paris, and Tokyo Disneyland feature a glorified Stairmaster in the shape of the Robinson’s awesome treehouse. The treehouse is full of lovingly crafted dioramas that represent different scenes from this movie, though I’m sure only a small percentage of the few guests to go up there realize it. Actually, the original Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse attraction was in Disneyland California. Imagineers had doubts about the popularity of a glorified Stairmaster, but adults flocked to live their dreams of being in an awesome treehouse. Because this movie has kinda faded into obscurity, the original treehouse has been remodeled into the marginally more relevant Tarzan’s Treehouse, but the other three are still around for… some reason. Still, people are so confused by the obscurity of the reference that they do rude crap like this. Honestly, even I’m surprised this thing is still around but here we are. They even moved the Dole Whips away from the beautiful seating area next to it, but the treehouse persists.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I really wanted to like this movie. It’s such a classic and I know I’ve been asked about it on this blog more than once. There’s a lot of great stuff here: Fritz and the dad are fine, the world is a great place to spend a little time, and the music’s great. There’s a sense of wonder here that really captures the imagination in the way Disney is so admired for. But there’s so many problems. The women are terribly written, even compared to the love interests of the 40s and 50s. The pirates are incredibly racist, from the weird mishmash of Asian stereotypes in their costumes to the cringeworthy way they talk. Nature itself seems to exist for the convenience of this family, to the point where a tiger is easily captured by a ten year old. Speaking of tigers, the animal abuse is the worst we’ve seen in a very long time. And the happy ending is more humans coming to tramp all over their island paradise? Time has not been kind to this one, that’s for sure.

Favorite scene: The treehouse reveal. Everything about it so perfectly embodies the spirit of adventure and childhood imagination in a way I wish the rest of the movie did.

Final rating: 6/10. There’s a good movie in here waiting to come out. Time has just not been kind to it.