Davy Crockett and the River Pirates (1956)

We’re heading back to the Wild Frontier to hang out with Fess Parker some more!  Here there be squinting and stupid hats.  And maybe some music?  What am I about to endure?

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What to do when you kill off your hero but he’s so popular that it would be stupid not to make a sequel?  This is Disney, you silly goose, the answer is obvious: make a prequel!  There’s no a whole lot to say about the production of this movie.  It’s more or less the same story as Davy Crockett: King of the Wild Frontier.  Walt took the popularity of the miniseries he used on his Disneyland show and stitched episodes together for a theatrical release.  To entice people to see it, the film was released in color instead of the black and white audiences were used to.  See?  Same old stuff.  So let’s cut right to the chase!

DAVY CROCKET’S KEELBOAT RACE

Right out of the gate, the movie makes no bones that it’s not trying for historical accuracy. The opening chorus of the Ballad of Davy Crockett straight-up admits they’re making stuff up and calling it legends. It totally makes sense, though. It’s just funny that they’re just like “look, we know we can’t reasonably do a sequel, but we’re doing it anyway, just let it happen.”  They’re playing faster and looser and having a lot more fun with the material already and it’s a very good sign.

When we meet Georgie and Davy, they’re camping in the woods in the middle of a very long hunting trip.  They’re both exhausted but at least they caught a ton of furs.  Davy is bound and determined to get down to the river so they can find a boat to take them to New Orleans for the best price.  And also there’s exploring to do.  That’s a thing, too. And of course, it wouldn’t be Davy Crockett without weird and out of place True Life Adventure footage.  A squirrel throws nuts into Georgie’s cup and they didn’t even try to hide that it’s daytime in the squirrel footage and night in the human footage.  It’s ridiculous.  And then a skunk skitters into Georgie’s sleeping bag.  I don’t think I need to tell you what happens next.

Presumably, Georgie takes a tomato juice bath that night because they’re perfectly chipper and not stinky at all the next morning. They’re fully dressed, buckskins, coonskin cap, and all. When they arrive in the little riverside town of Maysville, Kentucky, they find everyone acting suspicious and boarding up their windows. Soon, they find out why: a boat called the Gullywhumper is pulling into town and its boisterous, egotistical captain is the biggest bully around. This is Mike Fink, King of the River. And he is glorious. That wasn’t the most flattering description, but he’s just so wonderfully over the top. I can even forgive the fact that he doesn’t look like Ron Swanson here. He’s hysterical.

Davy approaches the little riverboat and asks who the captain is. Which makes Mike Fink, King of the River lose his mind because how dare anyone not know who Mike Fink, King of the River is? He boasts at length about how great he is to the point where he’s out of breath before he even finishes. He’s headed to New Orleans, which, funnily enough, is just where Davy is going. They ask for a ride, perfectly politely, and Mike Fink is happy to oblige… but it’ll cost them $1000. Georgie is appalled that he’d try to rip them off like that, but Mike Fink just pushes right past them. They’re standing between him and booze. And that’s terrible.

Our boys still need to get to New Orleans, so they try Captain Cobb and his boat, the Bertha Mae. They were trying to get to New Orleans, too, and he’d be happy to take them along… except he can’t sail without a crew. It sounds like the crew’s been scared off by an angry Native tribe that’s been attacking and killing anyone who gets too close. But Cobb thinks that just maybe having Davy Crockett around will give people courage. If he can find six more men to help out, they’ll be on their way. So Davy and Georgie head off to do just that.

Georgie passes by a saloon that appears to be in the middle of quite the tavern brawl. He walks in to find the man who punched out three guys single-handedly. Somebody who can do that has to be just the kind of guy they’re looking for. Jocko’s his name, and he’s the perfect fit. I mean, the guy is downing booze without removing the cigar from his mouth. That’s hardcore. Also, he’s played by the same guy as Jim Bowie from the last Davy Crockett movie! So that’s cool. Unfortunately, Jocko is already employed… by Mike Fink. Who is three feet away. Listening to Georgie trying to sweet talk his guy. Needless to say, he doesn’t take it well. Georgie apologizes profusely while Jocko tries to nudge him into starting a fight. To Georgie’s surprise, Mike accepts the apology and buys him a really, really strong drink made of every kind of alcohol in the place.

Georgie watches this monstrosity being poured while Mike questions why anyone would sail with Cobb over the King of the River when there’s trouble afoot. The answer is, of course, Davy Crockett. He’s not afraid of any angry natives. Mike scoffs, saying anyone who would buy that isn’t going to be much of a sailor, and he gulps down his booze like it’s nothing. Georgie’s a little more skeptical but Mike and Jocko pour the whole tankard down his throat. Meanwhile, Davy has found three more guys but he’s getting concerned that Georgie hasn’t come back yet. The guys he found are ride or die already, to the point where one of them even has his own coonskin cap, so they go off to help Davy find the men he’s looking for.

Davy finds his friend swinging on the chandelier, drunk out of his mind. Mike Fink and his men hoot and holler and egg him on as he pretends to row the light fixture like a riverboat. Georgie doesn’t normally drink, so this is a little concerning for Davy. Even more concerning is Mike telling Davy that Georgie drunkenly agreed to race Mike to New Orleans and bet all their furs against a barrel of whiskey. That’s bad news for a guy who spent months tracking down all those furs who has no idea how to sail a riverboat. Davy jumps up to try to drag Georgie down but the chandelier falls before he manages it. He drags him outside and dunks his head in the horse trough to make him sober up. Once he’s got his wits about him, Georgie apologizes profusely for his stupidity. Davy just sends him away to sleep off the booze.

All of Maysville turns out to watch the keelboats cast off. To Georgie’s great annoyance, Mike Fink continues to brag that he’s sure to win. He may not be wrong, though. Davy’s ragtag crew struggles to even get into position before the cannon even fires to start the race. The Gullywhumper gets such an easy lead that they take the time for an incredibly hammy musical number extolling Mike Fink’s greatness. It’s bananas. I love it. Georgie has the idea to sync up their team to some music of their own, and they all start up a verse of the Ballad. And it works! Soon they’re a well-oiled machine. The first movie was never really a musical but it’s just so funny I can’t be mad about it.

The beginning of the race is a classic Tortoise and the Hare story. Mike Fink lounges around, allowing Davy to catch up pretty easily. So now it’s time for a dirty trick. There’s a buoy floating along with a warning that the next channel leads to dangerous waters, so Mike pushes it out of place. Cobb notices the buoy missing and thinks it’s odd but they continue onwards anyway. Soon the Bertha Mae finds herself careening out of control down a raging river of death and obvious green screen. It takes Cobb like halfway through the stretch of rapids to realize that Mike Fink tricked them, and then he almost falls overboard. The guy’s track record is not good. I’m starting to see why no one wanted to sail with him. Eventually, they make it back to calm waters and emerge… ahead of the Gullywhumper!

They approach the town that was being attacked. Cobb urges them to dock for the night even though it could cost them their lead. After all, wet powder would make their guns useless if they get into trouble. They need supplies. To the surprise of the crew, Mike Fink tells his crew to do the same. But he has a plan. And he rips his shirt off and I thought for sure he was about to pretend to be a Native to scare them off and I was ready to get really angry. But no, all he does is swim under the hull to unscrew their rudder. Sabotage is much better than cultural appropriation.

Ahahahaha. Ha. Ha.

Anyway. The next day, the Gullywhumper passes a sign for “Wilson’s Cave-Inn”, a tavern inside a cave that is totally not suspicious. A trio of bandits calls out to the crew pretending to be hot girls. Somehow, Mike and his guys are deceived even though these are clearly dudes. And then the bandits get their costumes ready to pretend to be Natives to attack them. Oh my _god_, movie. Why. At least it’s the bad guys doing this. We’re supposed to think this is evil. Because it is. So I will silently simmer instead of erupting in rage. Mike Fink hears the “war drums” and gears up for a fight, getting waaaay too excited to do some killing. Georgie is prepared to let him brag them to death but Davy gets his gun ready to help. They drive off the bandits and Davy, being the good dude he is, asks if anyone was hurt. At that exact second, Cobb falls overboard again because he’s just a failure. Also, he was leaning on the rudder, which falls off because Mike unscrewed it. Mike laughs at them and shoves off.

Davy fashions a makeshift rudder out of logs, so the Bertha Mae gets back underway.  They come to a town and find the Gullywhumper docked. Georgie sees an opportunity to get even, but Davy is all honor all the time and is committed to playing fair. Besides, if Mike Fink stays away long enough, they can get a proper rudder in town. There’s a convenient tavern right next to them, alive with the sounds of raucous partying, so that should keep him busy. Sure enough, he’s inside bragging to the terrified bartender that he’s so much better than that Davy Crockett.  To prove it (even though no one questioned it) he plunks a mug of whiskey onto the bartender’s head to shoot it off William Tell style. He laughs at the guy’s abject terror and puts a mug on his own head to prove it’s not that hard to hold it up. Davy shows up out of nowhere to shoot it off, giving the bartender the chance to get out of there. Mike takes advantage of his absence to drink all the booze in the place, but Davy’s got his head in the game. He might not want to do this, but he’s not about to waste time and energy getting drunk either.

However, Georgie’s not about to leave well enough alone. He points out that technically, Davy has one up on Mike because he shot the mug. Suddenly, anybody can do that and it’s not impressive at all, so Mike decides he’s going to shoot a mug off his own head. Everyone, including me, is like “what” but Jocko hands him the gun. Mike looks in a mirror and shoots a pan. The ricochet knocks the mug right off his head. So Davy decides he’s going to try, making a big show of moving everything reflective. At his word, everybody ducks, giving him the chance to pop a bullet between his teeth. When he shoots, he makes it look like he caught the bullet in his mouth. The crew is in awe and Mike is livid. But the rudder is on so Davy and Georgie stage a bar fight and dip.

Moving onwards, the Bertha Mae hears a man calling for help from an island. Davy and his saving people thing rush in to pick him up but he won’t leave without the menagerie of livestock. Team Good Guys has to waste valuable race time catching the animals, but we get to watch Fess Parker wrestle a pig so who’s the real winner here?   They get underway, with the animals getting underfoot, and drop the old man and his livestock off at the next town. By this point, the Gullywhumper has a huge lead and it’s looking pretty grim for our heroes and their furs.

But there’s hope! The old man just conveniently happens to know a shortcut through the bayou that will cut 40 miles off the trip! So the Bertha Mae sails through waters infested with True Life Adventure alligators. Mike Fink is astonished to see them round the corner when he thought for sure he’d won.  Davy’s men put on speed and the two boats approach New Orleans neck and neck. Mike Fink pulls a dirty trick he calls the Pittsburg Punch, which basically involves one of his guys bonking one of Davy’s guys over the head with his paddle. So begins a whole fight of people getting bonked with paddles. It is ridiculous. I love it. In the kerfuffle, Mike Fink falls overboard and Davy wins! But Davy has no interest in gloating. He just wanted his furs, so he fishes Mike out of the water and promises that he’s still King of the River. Now they’re bros for life!

DAVY CROCKETT AND THE RIVER PIRATES

It’s time for Davy and Georgie to head out, but let’s not forget those angry Natives that have been attacking people. Davy asks Mike to drop him off in the middle of the woods instead of a port like a normal person. The wilderness must be explored, I guess. Before they go, Davy gives Mike Fink a present of a golden cannon with an inscription on it that says the great Davy Crockett will always be friends with Mike Fink King of the River. Or something like that. Anyway, the point is it’s an obvious and quite literal Checkov’s Gun. The plan is to buy some horses from the friendly Chickasaw in the area and ride back to Tennessee. Solid plan… except the Chickasaw who jump out of the woods are not very friendly at all. They set snares that catch Davy and Georgie by their ankles, then seize them and haul them back to their camp.

The Chickasaw chief confronts his prisoners, but he knows Davy is a friend so he’s not going to kill them. And my god is his right-hand man obviously a white guy doused in red paint. His wig looks like it’s from Spirit Halloween. It’s like… Peter Pan levels of bad. Whyyyy. This movie was doing so well. Anyway, somebody’s going around slaughtering Chickasaw men, which Davy counters by saying Chicksaw men are going around slaughtering white guys. The racist caricature in the back accuses them of lying even after Georgie tells them about the raid they broke up during the race. Apparently, though, the Chickasaw have been in hiding because of all the death and they’re the only tribe around. Something fishy is definitely going on here.

Being the good guy he is, Davy believes the Natives that they’re not killing anybody. Someone must be impersonating them because they’re such an easy scapegoat. I mean, they’re right and we saw it earlier, but how did they figure that out so fast? That’s some Sherlock Holmes nonsense.  They promise that they’ll put a stop to this, but it’s too late.  The chief has already sent out war parties because white men never mean it when they say they want peace.  But Davy does mean it because he’s a white savior.  That’s all the chief needs to agree to turn him loose but there’s a caveat: he only has until the next full moon to finish this.

To accomplish such a task in such a short time, Davy’s going to need a little extra help, so they wait by the river for the Gullywhumper. Mike Fink doesn’t care what race the river pirates are, as long as he gets to mess somebody up. He’s an equal opportunity brawler. Almost immediately, they come upon a boat that was victimized by the pirates. The weapons the attackers left behind certainly look Native, but the craftsmanship isn’t right. More importantly, everyone aboard is dead and everything that wasn’t nailed down has been stolen. Davy uncovers a coat left behind by one of the dead men and gives it to Mike as a disguise. He has an idea….

Once the Gullywhumper and its captain are disguised, Davy’s plan is put into action. Mike is going to play the part of a rich banker running money up the river. Yes, that Mike. The ruse is complete with sacks of rocks masquerading as gold. They take care to spread that story around every town they can in the hope that the pirates will hear and target them. In one of the tavern, they meet Colonel Plug jamming out on his banjo, trying to entice people into buying things. Something about this guy’s voice sounded really familiar while I was watching the movie and a quick Google showed why: he’s played by the voice of Honest John! Mike starts bragging loudly about all the money in his boat. The bartender warns him about the pirates but he’s not scared, he’s King of the Bankers. He also asks if they know who Mike Fink is because even he’s scared of pirates, prompting Davy to have a little fun at his expense. He calls him a braying jackass which makes him Hulk out and flip the bar. Plug admires his strength and bravery and asks to join them. Despite the red flags waving, Mike allows it.

Back at Wilson’s Cave-Inn, the cave that served as the bandits’ hideout in the last story, two spies watch the little riverboat carefully. Plug is sitting on top of the deck, loudly singing about a girl with hair like “yaller gold”, much to Georgie’s suspicion. The rest of the pirates are having a grand old time in their wretched hive of scum and villany. Their leader, Sam Mason, is roasting the scalps of some of the men they killed in order to keep up the illusion that they’re Natives. Because he’s really committed to being a racist. The scouts ride up to report that there’s a cargo of pure gold on its way. Mason is thrilled, and he calls his guys to get ready for action.  To prepare for the fight, Davy locks Plug in the hold and Mike takes over the helm.

Unbeknownst to them, Plug has already drilled a hole in the hull and plugged it up with a piece of rubber tied to a hook on a string. Once he’s hooked it through a crack in the hull, he runs for one of the sacks of “gold”. But of course, they’re only rocks! To make it worse, he finds Mike’s new cannon and reads the inscription. He is completely and utterly screwed.  He races above deck, and runs into three very angry legendary fighters.  He offers to sing for them, an unsubtle cover for the way he screams to the scouts hiding in the bushes that Crockett and Fink are aboard the boat.  Crockett and Fink gag him and shove him back into the hold.  Just as Georgie finishes tying him up, Davy hears war drums and it’s time to mobilize.  But the hook from the plug catches on one of the crew’s shirts, causing water to pour into the hold over the bound and gagged swindler.

Mason stands high above his “war party”, then shoots to signal them to get moving. As Mike rips off his disguise and becomes King of the River again, he notices that the Gullywhumper is becoming really hard to steer. The crew announces that they’re sinking! But that’s not going to stop them fighting the pirates. Davy and Georgie shoot at them, as does Mike and his shiny new cannon, but Jocko and Mike fall into the water where gunpowder’s kinda useless. It’s okay, though, Mike can punch things. Mason is growing angrier by the minute that his men are losing the fight despite having the advantage of numbers. His scouts grab a canoe full of powder and light it before shoving it into the water. It gets close to the Gullywhumper but just before it detonates, Davy pushes it away. It makes it back to shore and explodes all over Mason and the scouts.

Somehow, they are not dead. Davy recognizes them as Sam Mason and the Harpe brothers, and he and Georgie chase them into the cave. The three bandits race to gather as much treasure as they can get away with, then light a keg of powder to keep the rest of the stash safe. When Davy and Georgie approach, they hide in comically obvious places, but our heroes don’t notice even when one of the Harpes almost decapitates Georgie. Our heroes search the hideout, finding their costumes, weapons, and eventually their loot. Oh, and the powder keg.

Davy breaks the trail of spilled powder to keep it from detonating, then lights it so it leads back to the one who lit it. Mason understandably freaks at the giant fireball approaching him, running just before it blasts him to smithereens. A big fight ensues, culminating in Mason trying to set Davy on fire. But he’s Davy freakin Crockett so he knocks him and his torch right into a powder keg. And there is no way he survived that. Oh, and the Harpes run into Mike. It’s over! The day is saved!  Mike drops his new friends off on dry land and they all wave goodbye to each other.  And they all lived happily ever after until the Alamo.

I enjoyed this one so much more than King of the Wild Frontier.  The first movie took itself so seriously, while this one dispensed with any pretense of a history lesson and just had fun being an action movie.  I enjoyed the heavier emphasis on comedy, and I especially enjoyed the new characters.  Even the racial angle was better handled, except for that one guy, because the ones scapegoating them and treating them poorly were explicitly villainized. It was just all around a much more enjoyable experience.

CHARACTERS

Davy Crockett is still our bold hero archetype. However, he’s much less uptight this time around.  Apparently it’s because he’s supposed to be twenty years younger, but that doesn’t matter much to me.  He’s so much less uptight and so much sassier that it felt like I was watching a totally different character than the bland cipher from the last movie.  He emotes this time!  It’s fantastic!

Georgie Russell hasn’t changed a whole lot.  He’s still a ride or die, here to support whatever heroics his friend has up his sleeve.  This time, though, his innocent earnestness causes some conflict when he drunkenly starts the keelboat race.  Mostly, though, he’s there to support Davy and provide comic relief.

Mike Fink is amazing.  I would never have expected the guy from Great Locomotive Chase to make me laugh so much, but it turns out that when he’s turned loose, Jeff York is a riot.  He just devoured the scenery in every scene he’s in.  Mike’s ego is so bloated that watching him scream about how great he is goes right over the top every time he does it.  He’s so, so funny.  I mean, the character is a complete tool but he’s incredibly entertaining.  Definitely my favorite character in the franchise.

Sam Mason is the villain of the second piece, but he’s there in the first one.  He’s the leader of the river pirates with the truly despicable plan to blame the Natives for his murderous thievery.  The first movie may have had Bigfoot, but this one goes a lot farther than that to show how horribly white people treated Natives.  And a lot of that goes back to Sam Mason and his despicable actions.

Colonel Plug is our second helping of ham.  He’s part of Mason’s operation, meant to go aboard riverboats and signal to Mason’s scouts what they’re carrying.  He does this in the guise of a travelling musician, singing songs tangentially related to what the boat is carrying.  But he’s almost as over the top as Mike Fink!  And, as previously mentioned, he’s played by Walter Catlett, who also voiced Honest John.  When he really goes to town, you can totally hear it.

ARTISTRY

This movie alternates between some lovely vistas of the Great Smoky Mountains and the Tenessee River and some very primitive green screen.  There’s a lot more color used in this movie than the last one, which I appreciate.  It’s much more visually interesting.

MUSIC

To my surprise, River Pirates was a lot more of a traditional musical than King of the Wild Frontier.  There are not one, but two original songs, and the Ballad is performed diagetically twice.  It’s an interesting change, and part of the reason I enjoyed this one so much more.  I like musicals.   What can I say?

The Ballad of Davy Crockett is largely unchanged from the first movie.  It’s used to set up the story, admitting that they’re making things up, but the vocals and melody are identical.  But then things get interesting.  Later on, the Bertha Mae’s crew is in need of some motivation, so they start singing this very song!  And even later, Georgie does a few verses to entertain Davy as they walk through the woods.  It’s really fun to see that song be brought into the universe, since it’s so iconic from the last movie.

King of the River took me by surprise, because I wasn’t prepared for a song that wasn’t the Ballad.  The first time we hear it, it’s sung by the Wellingtons, the same group that sings the song we all know.  But then Jeff York picks it up later on and it is glorious.  I’ve already mentioned how incredibly hammy he is, but he turns it up to eleven when he’s singing and it is hysterical.  He even does this weird little dance step while his men are singing about what a boss he is.  It’s so, so funny, and even better considering how unexpected it was.  These Westerns have been a slog to get through but this was a nice little treat.

Yaller Yaller Gold is Plug’s signal to Mason’s men that the riverboat he’s on is carrying… well, gold.  He hides it in lyrics about a girl with golden hair, which is a nice upbeat little tune.  It’s not quite as catchy as King of the River but Catlett infuses it with its own infectious energy.  The Wellingtons pick this one up at the end, too, and did their own recording of it as a promotional thing.

THEME PARK INFLUENCE

photo credit

Everything I said about Frontierland in the King of the Wild Frontier review is present here, too.  But the King of the River himself actually had his own attraction, too. The Mike Fink Keelboats floated around the Rivers of America in California and Florida throughout the 90’s, closing in 1997 and 2001, respectively.  Guests could board the Gullywhumper or the Bertha Mae and take a little trip around Tom Sawyer Island.  However, in the late 90’s, the Californian Gullywhumper capsized and injured several guests, causing both boats to be removed from the waters.  It was left at the banks of Tom Sawyer Island as a prop until water damage forced park officials to remove it, but a 2010 refurbishment saw the boat returned.  Likewise, Florida has the Bertha Mae docked on its own shores and the loading dock serves as the Haunted Mansion’s queue.  In Paris, the Mike Fink Keelboats are still officially in operation, but have not actually run since 2010 due to its low capacity and high operating cost.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I was a little lukewarm on the first Davy Crockett.  This one, however, was much more to my liking.  It was so much more fun!  I could understand what people were saying!  Fess Parker acted!  Only the bad guys were flagrantly racist!  Mike Fink exists!  Oh, Mike Fink.  You were delightful.  Sure, the story may have been a little thin, especially in the second half, but they did a wonderful job of fleshing it out.  My favorite part of any movie is the characters, and the ones they have here were phenomenal.

Favorite scene: Mike Fink singing his own theme song out of absolutely nowhere.  I was crying laughing.

Final rating: 7/10.  A vast improvement over the original!