Dragonslayer (1981)

Well, hello there. You’re an attractive young lady/gentleman/nonbinary friend. I’d like to take you out on the HHHHhhhHOTTEST of dates. I see you have a lot of other suitors. Allow me to make my case. And if anyone actually understands this bit we’re best friends now.

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If you don’t understand that bit, I will not explain, nor will I stop. I’ve been super jazzed for this review for a really long time and I can’t believe we’re finally here! I say it all the time, but I love, love, love 80’s dark fantasy movies like Labyrinth, Dark Crystal, and Legend. I’ve always seen Dragonslayer held up alongside them as one of the best, but somehow I’ve never gotten around to checking it out. Left me something to look forward to, to get me through the gauntlet that was the 70s, you know? And now that we’re finally here, if it’s bad, I might actually cry. But at least we have some legendary creature design if absolutely nothing else.

Dragonslayer began life as part of the same two-movie deal with Paramount that gave us the gleeful fever dream that was Popeye. Once again, the partnership gave the struggling Disney the resources to get some serious talent behind the camera. Writer Matthew Robbins had worked on big-budget epics like Jaws and Close Encounters of the Third Kind, as had his co-writer Hal Barwood. This was only Robbins’ second directorial venture, but like, the guy worked on Jaws. I trust him. Like Popeye, they spent a huge proportion of that big budget on visuals. A whopping 25% of their money went to designing and building one of the most iconic dragons ever to grace the screen to star in a fusion of the legend of St. George and The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (yes, that Sorcerer’s Apprentice). Vermithrax Pejorative is so incredible that she inspired such creatives as George R.R. Martin to create their own dark fantasy stories. She even gets a little shout-out on Game of Thrones! And Guillermo del Toro is such a huge fan of this movie he’s worked with Robbins on several high-profile projects like Crimson Peak and the recent Pinocchio.

This time, gambling that much money paid off. Sort of. Critics like Siskel and Ebert loved this movie, lavishing praise on the special effects and even saying it was better than Raiders of the Lost Ark, which came out the same weekend. Unfortunately, good reviews didn’t translate to ticket sales, probably because it came out the same weekend as Raiders of the Lost Ark. Dragonslayer earned only $14 million on its $18 million budget. It was just not enough for swords-and-sorcery enthusiasts while simultaneously being too dark for Disney’s usual family audience with its intense gore and brief partial nudity. Also it came out the same weekend as Raiders of the Lost Ark. I can’t state that enough. Happily, it did eventually find its audience and is now revered as a cult classic. And I love me some cult classics. Well, my hopes are absurdly high for this one so let’s see if it rocks my world!

STORY

A group of torch-bearing travelers, led by a young boy named Valerian approach Cragganmore Castle, home of Ulrich the sorcerer. His manservant, Hodge (Sydney Bromley, aka Engywook from The NeverEnding Story), greets them with all the snarky impatience of someone who’s endured too many idiots bothering his master with nonsense, and he slams the window in their faces. But this is important. Meanwhile, the old man himself busies himself in his conjuring room. Suddenly, his scrying bowl ignites, echoing with faraway screams. Something’s wrong. And when his apprentice, Galen Bradwardyn, runs to fetch them, he agrees to address the villagers. Eventually. Galen helps him get ready in his finest wizard robes and stylin’ snake hat, strapping an ancient amulet around his neck. Ulrich explains that something serious is happening, and what’s more, it’s going to involve his death. Before Galen can process the bomb he just dropped, Ulrich heads out to greet his visitors.

Something I really enjoyed about this movie is its generally cynical tone. Magic is real in this universe, but they undercut it with a sawblade and a handful of ashes to simulate rolling thunder and dramatic puffs of smoke. Far from making Ulrich look like a fraud (we just saw him actually scrying), it emphasizes the running theme that magic isn’t as powerful as it used to be, and appearances of power can be deceiving. But he does display some level of precognition, correctly guessing why they came to ask for his help. The dreaded, aging dragon Vermithrax Pejorative is ravaging their homeland of Urland. Only a wizard can stop her, and all the other wizards are dead. As Ulrich examines the scales and tooth they brought, Valerian explains that their King’s solution to the problem is to sacrifice virgin girls, chosen by lottery, every equinox in exchange for Vermithrax leaving their crops alone. That way only two people die a year instead of thousands, which sounds a lot better when you’re an old man and not eligible to be one of the two. Hence, the villagers trying to get someone to kill the beast once and for all.

But Vermithrax isn’t the only one who’s old and ailing. Galen and Hodge watch, concerned, as Ulrich prepares for the long trek back to Urland. He’s never going to make it, and they all know it. Actually, he doesn’t make it past his front gate. The Captain of the Royal Guard, Tyrian (John Hallam aka Luro in Flash Gordon), meets him at the door to taunt that this feeble man can never hope to slay a dragon. He’s not even convinced he’s really a sorcerer and demands that he prove himself. Hodge steps in, staunchly refusing and inviting a new round of jeers. Ulrich steps in to offer a demonstration of his power, handing his amulet to Galen and sending the apprentice to fetch a ceremonial dagger from his tower. For some reason, he throws it from the window rather than just bringing it down.

With a whispered word and a benign smile, Ulrich hands the dagger to Tyrian. He bares his chest, an invitation. A closeup of Galen’s face, watching from the tower, tells you all you need to know about what’s about to happen. Realization dawns, but we’re powerless to do anything but watch events unfold, just like Galen when the tower doors slam themselves shut. And Tyrian plunges the dagger into Ulrich’s chest. At first, Ulrich just smiles, and it looks like he’s unhurt. But then he collapses to the evil knight’s feet in front of the villagers who need him to be their savior.

Hollow with grief, Galen prepares the old man’s funeral pyre. The flames engulf his body and the peasants’ hopes. Suddenly, the fire turns bright green. It’s really not the most sophisticated effect, but it still gets the point across that this is significant, somehow. But that will come back later. For now, Hodge scoops Ulrich’s ashes into a bag. Now there’s no choice but for Galen to travel to Urland himself, even though he’s only an apprentice. As he gets ready, he spots the magic amulet discarded in a bowl. It’s glowing, so that’s weird. He locks it up and turns to leave, but there’s the amulet again, glowing brighter than ever inside a lantern. It’s like it wants Galen to find it. Could Galen be a real sorcerer now?

The euphoria of finding out he actually has powers puts Galen’s grief out of his mind. He spends the whole walk showing off and levitating an egg. Hodge is not impressed by Galen’s newfound attitude and warns that he’ll never be half the sorcerer Ulrich was. So Galen taunts him, levitating his pack and pulling his robes off to remind him who’s the sorcerer now. He arrives at the camp where the despondent Urlanders are resting for the night and announces that he’s their savior now. He’s the sorcerer they need and he’ll be the one slaying the dragon.

He’s got his work cut out for him. The equinox has arrived. A horse-drawn cart led by several torch-bearing peasants pulls a maiden in white up to the mouth of a cave. She’s hooded and chained to a sacrificial pole by her wrists. The king’s chamberlain, Horsrick, makes a big grandiose proclamation about how this girl’s life is a small price to pay for the prosperity of the rest of the village. Which I’m sure makes her feel so much better. The ground at their feet shakes, and everyone runs away, leaving her to her fate. The girl’s struggles knock her hood off, and she scrambles to pull her wrists free from their manacles. Blood oozes from her hands as she pulls, dripping all down her arms and splattering her virgin white gown. It does lubricate her cuffs enough to get one wrist free. But it’s too late. A claw smashes up from the rocks below.

Panic rises, and the girl scrambles to get her other arm out as a huge, scaly head rises before her, and omgomgomgomgomg this thing is so awesome omg you guys omg. She gets her other wrist free and starts to run. Another claw reaches for her, but she dodges, almost making it to the horse and cart. But only almost. A horned tail catches her in the stomach, lifting her high into the air and dropping her on the rocks before smashing the cart to pieces. The horse bolts. She crawls behind the rocks, trying to hide, but it’s too late. The dragon inhales. And fire blots out the screen as the girl’s last agonized scream rings through the air. It’s a horrifying moment, one you’d never expect to see the Disney name on, from the gore to the fear to the fact that a pretty young girl was just burned alive. I’ve seen this movie criticized for its absolutely glacial pace, but in my opinion, it uses it well, especially in scenes like this where they just let pain and fear linger. They’re not just evoking emotion, they’re really rubbing your nose in it. I love it.

As her screams fade, Valerian snaps awake from a nightmare. Making sure everyone else is asleep, he heads into the woods for a walk and a bath to clear his head. Unfortunately for him, Galen shows up shortly after for a bath of his own. He demands that he go away, but Galen’s a raging egomaniac and completely ignores him. As he strips off and swims underwater, he gets an eyeful of Valerian’s body and finds out she’s a woman! We also get an eyeful of Valerian’s body. And Galen’s, for that matter. And you see all of both of them (Galen’s front is blink and you’ll miss it, but it’s there). Really earning that higher rating there. That got more of a reaction out of me than the blood, honestly.

Anyway, Valerian refuses to speak to Galen as they dry off and dress. Galen promises to keep her secret and swears he knew she’s a woman, which is BS because he’s dumb as a rock. He is, however, smart enough to deduce why she disguised herself as a boy. Only girls are put in the lottery. No, more than that- only poor girls are put into the lottery. Rich families can pay to save their daughters’ lives, and the King’s own daughter never goes in in the first place. He masterminded this whole thing, and deliberately made it so that the bloodshed and horror only affect families he sees as beneath him, not his own.

Suddenly, birds burst through the trees and the amulet starts glowing again. Galen rushes to the river to scry and see what’s going on. To his horror, he sees a vision of Tyrian and his men aiming a bow at Hodge’s chest. They think Hodge inherited Ulrich’s power, and they can’t let the sorcerer slay the dragon. Galen runs to stop them, but he gets there too late. Hodge collapses into his arms with an arrow in his chest right as he arrives. With his last breaths, he tells Galen to take Ulrich’s ashes to a burning lake. Galen tries to heal him with magic, but it’s too late. Hodge is gone. Which is a real shame because being the only real comic relief in this movie is his scientific specie-ality.

With heavy hearts, Galen and the villagers finally make it back to the grim and desolate kingdom of Urland. They climb to the mountain top, ninety million hundred fifty thousand feet in the air. Galen takes in the sacrificial post and the manacles still stained with dried blood. The villagers warn him to stay with the group and not get killed, so Galen immediately does the logical thing and walks straight into the dragon’s cave alone. As you do. Within seconds, a roar shakes the cavern followed by a plum of smoke. With Vermithrax on his tail, Galen hurries out to the entrance and calls down a landslide to trap her in her cave. It quickly gets out of hand and everyone runs for their lives, but when the dust settles, the dragon’s lair is no more. And presumably, neither is the dragon. What? There’s still an hour and ten minutes left? You never see a body? Naaaah, she’s totally dead for real guys!

No one bothers to check and the whole village throws a festival to celebrate their newfound freedom. Back in her house, Valerian considers how she looks in a dress. Her father the blacksmith hisses at her to put it away, but hey, the dragon is totally really actually dead. What harm could it do? So she puts the dress on and steps out of the house, showing the villagers her true, feminine self. A hush falls over the crowd. No one quite knows what to think. But Galen steps forward and invites her to dance, and the whole village accepts her as she truly is. That’s that. There’s a beautiful transgender reading of this scene that I’m completely unqualified to comment on. Even if these people would be totally justified to be a little miffed that she cheated the system while their daughters died, the acceptance is lovely to see.

But something hinky is going on. Some guy points out they should maybe probably have checked to make sure the dragon was actually dead. Worse, a priest has been lurking around ever since, telling everyone to praise God for what Galen did. And in a stunning move, this is presented as highly suspicious and dangerous! It’s such a nice change after all the times I’ve had to watch missionaries portrayed as the ultimate good. Speaking of highly suspicious, Tyrian and his men ride up to invite the dragonslayer to meet the King. Galen’s not buying this for a second, but you don’t ignore a summons from the King.

King Casiodorus Ulfilas is not impressed by Galen’s pitiful showing of magic. There’s absolutely no way this absolute loser could have killed a beast like Vermithrax. This is exactly what he was afraid of. If the dragon’s alive, now it’s going to be angry, and if it’s angry, they’re right back where we started. The whole point of this lottery is to sacrifice a few for the lives of the many. And to be fair, you can see where the guy’s coming from. It’s a classic trolley problem. But by forbidding anyone from even trying to take the more permanent solution, he has the whole unwilling kingdom trapped in an endless cycle. Yes, it’s risky, but the risks are worth the freedom they bring. It’s easy to be cautious when you’re not the one affected, but for the villagers, it’s the difference between dying quickly together and dying slowly one by one. If by some miracle, someone is successful, people stop dying, but no one considers that as an option. The morality of this movie is fascinating, is what I’m trying to say.

Anyway, Galen tries to stand by his action and Casiodorus throws him in the dungeon for his impudence. And, to add insult to injury, he takes the amulet. Galen desperately tries to call magic to free himself from his cell, but nothing happens. The king’s daughter, Princess Elspeth, hears him hurling Latin words at the wall and comes to chat with him. She’s much more rational than her father, but she explains that he’s just trying to protect people. Of course, Galen snidely notes that he’s done a great job of protecting his daughter at the expense of all those other daughters. Elspeth gets offended and Galen realizes that she truly believes she’s been included in the lottery. But now he’s gotten into her head, and she hurries upstairs to confront her father. He tells her her name has always been in the lottery, but she can tell he’s lying. He’s always been lying. But they have bigger problems. Vermithrax Pejorative survived, and she’s burninating the countryside in revenge!

Under cover of the chaos, Elspeth frees Galen so he at least has a chance to survive. He steals a horse and runs to the King’s tower to steal back his amulet. The tower crumbles before he gets his hand on it, but he’s able to jump out the window to freedom, leaving the castle to its fate. And you know what’s really useful in times of bloody crisis? Thoughts and prayers. So they send in Brother Jacopus to scream fire and brimstone to will away “Lucifer” with the power of God because there is no dragon, just God and the Devil. This goes about as well as you might expect. He gets his fire and brimstone all right, right in the face. Okay, I know this sounds morbid and my bitter atheist is showing, but it is so refreshing to see a missionary portrayed as wrong, foolish, and punished for it. This is my reward for surviving Hot Lead and Cold Feet. By the way, our extra-crispy friend here is the inimitable Ian McDiarmid, Emperor Palpatine himself. The biggest name in this entire movie and they kill him off in five seconds. Incredible.

No sooner has Vermithrax flown back to her home in the mountains do Tyrian’s knights storm the devastated town in search of the fugitive Galen. They tear through the blacksmith’s shop, and Tyrian announces that they’re holding an early lottery to appease the dragon’s wrath. Valerian steps up, eager to do her duty for the people of Urland, but her father won’t hear of it. The knights take their leave, and Valerian’s father helps Galen out of the secret trapdoor under his anvil. Things are getting serious now. So at Galen’s urging, Valerian’s father forges a lance sharp enough to cut a horseshoe, aptly named the Dragonslayer. But even that’s not enough to penetrate Vermithrax’s hide. They have to enchant it, but Galen can’t do that without his amulet. Back to the castle we go!

The lottery is in full swing. Guards haul the young women of the village to the front of the crowd to see which of them will be Urland’s Next Top Dragon Chow. Horsrick makes this big long ritual speech about the importance of the sacrifice, then finally pulls a tile. To everyone’s shock, the name he reads is Princess Elspeth. King Casiodorus glides in to assure the crowd he made a mistake and whoopsie they’ll just have to draw another name since this one’s just sooo illegible. No one buys this, especially not Valerian, and they scream for justice. Horsrick pulls another tile anyway, but this one reads Elspeth too. Horrified, Casiodorus tears through the tiles. They all read Elspeth. The princess stands up to address her people, apologizing for the injustice of being sheltered while their sisters and daughters die horribly. She’s proud to die to right the wrong.

Meanwhile, Galen searches the castle for his amulet. Casiodorus catches him in the act, but he’s had a change of heart since locking him in the dungeon. He hands the amulet back completely willingly, asking Galen to slay the dragon. This isn’t a power-tripping king, this is a scared and desperate father begging for his daughter’s life. It’s moving, if a bit pathetic, until you remember that he’s put hundreds of other fathers through this exact scenario. He wouldn’t let anyone risk angering the dragon, but now that it’s his daughter on the line suddenly things are different. Hypocrisy at its finest.

With the amulet in hand, Galen enchants the Dragonslayer to flash blue and make lightsaber noises whenever struck. It can also slice through an anvil like a hot knife through butter, perfect for getting through Vermithrax’s scales. Valerian sneaks away while Galen and her father talk, slipping away to the outskirts of the lair to gather fallen scales. She gets a little too close to the cave, and a snarling baby dragon leaps out of nowhere, snapping at her arm! It’s an effective jumpscare, and it got me pretty good. It helps that the dragon babies are specifically designed to be ugly and unappealing, with small eyes and features that are a cross between bulldogs and bats.

Galen makes his way to the lair like a man condemned. This is it, the final battle, and far from being an exciting, heroic moment, the filmmakers instead choose to focus on the fear and trepidation. It’s a fascinating choice that really underscores how much of Galen’s cockiness earlier was empty bravado. Valerian tosses him the shield she made out of dragon scales and warns him about the babies. And god forbid we have an action movie with no romance subplot, so she accuses Galen of being in love with the princess because that’s how these things work. She has no faith that Galen can actually put an end to this, and now that her secret’s out, she’s in as much danger as anyone. Surprise, though, Galen’s not in love with Elspeth, he’s in love with Valerian! And the two share a sweet, chaste kiss.

Elspeth arrives chained on her card and is fastened to the sacrificial pole just like the last girl. Horsrick starts his speech, but Galen interrupts by lighting his scroll on fire and scaring the villagers away. Only Tyrian remains. He knew all along Galen was going to try something stupid, and he’s not about to let him upset the dragon again. While they fight, Elspeth screams for them to just let her die and help her people. Apparently, the Dragonslayer can’t slice through steel anymore because it’s not working great against Tyrian’s sword, and Galen’s kind of getting curbstomped. But apparently, it can slice through steel because it cuts through Elspeth’s chains. Galen screams for her to run, but she walks with eyes wide open straight into the dragon’s cave. Galen is so enraged at these peoples’ martyr complex and Tyrian’s taunts that he plunges the lance through the pole into the evil knight’s chest. And once again, the camera lingers on his gruesome death. Galen rushes to try to save the princess, but the movie’s not done lingering on its gruesome deaths.

Because Galen fails.

This would be a subversion of the fantasy genre even if it wasn’t a Disney movie. The hero saves the princess. That’s how these things work. So to have him not make it in time has enough shock value to really make you sit up and pay attention all on its own. But that’s not enough for Dragonslayer. Dragonslayer is hardcore. So Dragonslayer has Galen find Elspeth’s bloodied, charred corpse being feasted on by the baby dragons. And it’s still not done. Because one of the dragons actually gnaws her entire foot off. YIKES. When I said I was tired of the same movie a million times this is not quite what I had in mind. Gotta say, I don’t hate it. Overcome by grief and rage, Galen dispatches the babies with extreme prejudice. But he can still save the rest of the village. He makes his way deeper into the cave and finds a lake of fire, just like the one Hodge told him about. But before he can pour Ulrich’s ashes in, a massive head rises up behind him. And we gaze upon Vermithrax Pejorative in all her glory at long, long last.

Oh my GOD this thing is awesome. I will gush at length in Artistry but this is the 80s creature design I’m so passionate about at its absolute finest. Not only that but only showing parts and the fear when people talk about her builds up so much suspense that finally seeing her hits like a train. The dragon’s breath is a blast from hell and they fight so long I missed a long-standing appointment for brunch. She chases Galen through the cave and he’s lucky the dragon scale shield works or he’d be toasted. He gives her the slip, and it looks like he might escape with his life. But then Vermithrax finds the bloody corpses of her babies. She noses them, grumbling for them to move. And as if this thing isn’t cool enough, they somehow manage to make this vile monster, this incredible pile of metal and rubber and I don’t know what else, touching a bunch of hand puppets incredibly affecting. It’s sad watching her mourn for her little ones and realizing she’s truly the last dragon left.

She raises her head, vowing revenge, but she’s not quick enough. Galen leaps down from a high plateau and plunges his enchanted lance into Vermithrax’s neck again and again and again. She thrashes and snaps, dripping blood all over him as he falls from her back. Dragonslayer snaps in two. Cut. Valerian finds the charred shield and broken lance and knows Galen is as dead as Elspeth. But to her shock, she finds him in the rubble, worse for wear but miraculously alive. Unfortunately, so is Vermithrax. But he’s in no shape to do anything about that so Valerian brings him home. That’s twice now he’s failed to kill the dragon, so she suggests that they run away together. Magic’s dying out anyway, so what place could a sorcerer’s apprentice ever have in a world where God is the dominant force? Just in case that point wasn’t driven home hard enough, Valerian’s father gives her a crucifix as a going-away present.

Our two lovebirds set out across the waters under a surprisingly irrelevant eclipse. The light from the fading sun seems to set the lake on fire. Suddenly, Galen realizes what he has to do. He doesn’t explain anything and Valerian has to scramble to follow him all the way back to the dragon’s cave. She’s just a girl now and can’t take part in action sequences, so Galen orders her to wait at the entrance. She recognizes how gross and chauvinistic that is and starts to follow him anyway but freezes when she finds what’s left of Elspeth lying on the ground. Which, I mean, considering she knows that could very well happen to her, is enough of a reason to hang back that I can actually give it a pass. Galen pours the ashes into the lake of fire unopposed. And nothing happens. At first.

Suddenly, the flames go out. The amulet begins to glow. Green light, just like from Ulrich’s funeral pyre, bubbles up from the water. And the old sorcerer himself rises from the lake, seemingly alive and well. Galen is overjoyed to see his master and confesses that he’s absolutely useless and he knows his only powers are borrowed. But Ulrich is proud of him anyway. But wait, if we’re just standing around yammering, where’s Vermithrax? Why, terrorizing the village, of course, because shockingly getting baptized is not a great defense against fire breath. Valerian runs for cover, and it’s time for the final battle between dragon and sorcerer to begin.

I actually kind of love that Galen doesn’t take part in this fight. This movie is a total deconstruction of the classic hero’s journey. Galen doesn’t refuse the call to adventure, he throws himself into it. All his helpers die, he never succeeds in any of his trials, any new skills he gains are borrowed at best. And when the big climactic moment comes, his big revelation is that he’s not the hero. That said, Urlich does give him a very important job to do while he’s doing his Gandalf the White thing. When the moment arrives, he has to smash the amulet. It will kill Ulrich again, but that’s the price they have to pay. Galen and Valerian get into position on the sidelines, Ulrich calls the dragon with a strike of his staff, and it’s on.

Clouds roll in, and Vermithrax soars in for the kill. Ulrich isn’t phased and starts flinging lightning at her. The effects here aren’t quite as good as the last dragon chase, mostly because you can see the matte lines and the janky greenscreen, but Vermithrax is still very cool so I’m not mad about it. As the battle rages, Valerian urges Galen to smash the amulet, but he knows it’s not time yet. But then Vermithrax divebombs him. Ulrich dodges. Her claws catch him, scooping him up into the sky. And now it’s time. Galen crushes the amulet with a rock. And Ulrich FREAKING EXPLODES. He takes Vermithrax with him in a spectacular burst of pyrotechnics that ruptures space and then explodes the sun. Oh, and her body evaporates the whole lake when it finally crashes to earth.

You know, there’s no way to convince an audience that a creature lives and breathes quite like showing it dead. So Galen and Valerian step towards the charred, meaty corpse of Vermithrax Pejorative. It’s the grossest, most impressive prop I’ve ever seen. Like, you see hunks of organs oozing out of this thing. Yuck. But cool. Still, it’s a hollow victory. Ulrich’s dead. Elspeth is dead. Magic in Urland is dead. To confirm that last bit, the villagers rally behind the guy who took over after Brother Jacopus got incinerated to thank God for saving the town. Even though the guy who actually helped make it happen is right there. And we’re actually condemning that behavior! Not that Galen did a whole lot, but the dragon wouldn’t be dead if he hadn’t smashed the amulet, and that’s a whole lot more than these peoples’ thoughts and prayers did. But sure. The prayers get the credit. And this is a bad thing. And I am thrilled.

Oh, but we’re not done devaluing Galen’s contribution. A broken King Casiodorus rides up with Horsrick to make everything worse. Stone-faced, he steps up to the dead dragon and sticks his ceremonial sword into a particularly squishy bit of viscera. Horsrick announces to one and all that Casiodorus, and no one else, will now and forever be known as the Dragon Slayer. It’s an incredible bit of hypocrisy that rings true in 2024, and probably hit even harder post-Vietnam. The villagers erupt into cheers, and Valerian and Galen exchange a look. But it doesn’t matter anyway. They have each other. They leave Urland and never look back. Galen’s a little bummed because he just watched his mentor explode and learned he’s just a normal schmuck. But when he wishes for a horse, lo and behold, a white horse appears on the horizon. Maybe there’s a little magic left in the world after all!

Omg you guys have you seen Dragonslayer let me tell you about this movie called Dragonslayer omg Dragonslayer is so good omgomgomgomgomgomg DRAGONSLAYER.  I cannot believe how much I loved this movie. I was already excited about it for the cool dragon. What I got was a scathing indictment of wealth inequality, the arbitrary nature of power, corrupt governments, and the outsized role Christianity plays in our society to the exclusion of verifiable human achievement. It’s incredible. This is a movie that has some really important points to make, in a way we haven’t really seen since 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea’s anti-imperialism Cold War commentary. And we still got the cool dragon! And she is a really really cool dragon. This movie rocked my world. Leagues might just have competition for my favorite new-to-me movie I’ve gotten to so far.

CHARACTERS

Galen Bradwardyn is not a hero. He’s set up to be one, but he really is just an apprentice who gets a little too big for his britches and finds himself way over his head. He’s the only man left for the job, but that doesn’t mean he’s good at it, and that’s awesome. We’ve all seen the dashing hero ride in and save the fair maiden from a slavering beast a million times in a million different pieces of media. You don’t often see the “hero” crashing and burning at every turn, or the trail of bodies left behind when he fails. It’s a very subversive way to tell the story and a very captivating one at that.

It helps that Peter MacNicol doesn’t look like your classic fantasy leading man. It’s an atypical casting choice for an atypical story, and still let the studios cast someone who knew how to ride horses and do all his own stunts. Sadly, MacNicol considers his first movie an embarrassment and keeps it off his resume. Still, he must have impressed somebody, because his filmography is incredibly long. He’s probably best known as Janosz in Ghostbusters 2 (“HE IS VIGOOOO.”), but he’s also starred in Ally McBeal, Veep, Grey’s Anatomy, and a whole host of voice-acting roles, including playing Jervis Tetch in a whole bunch of Batman stuff.

Valerian is probably the weak link of the movie, but only because she doesn’t get a lot to do. That said, I’m actually pretty glad that the romance between Galen doesn’t get a lot of face time. It’s really just the kiss scene. You get the idea that while they do care for each other, their romantic love is secondary to the friendship they’ve built up. Which, being aromantic, is a really nice thing to see. I do wish she’d gotten to take part in the dragon cave scene or show skills she might have picked up while being socialized as a boy. If not actually fighting, then maybe helping her dad the blacksmith in his forge? Caitlin Clarke hits just the right level of androgyny to make the reveal effective, if not entirely surprising. To help that along, the filmmakers pitched her voice down slightly until we see her in the dress. It helps a lot, though I kept thinking that her natural voice sounds a lot like the also very androgynous Cathy Rigby. Sadly, Clarke didn’t do a whole lot of acting roles aside from this and Crocodile Dundee before her death of cancer.

Ulrich of Cragganmore more than the eccentric mentor figure we see in all of these kinds of stories. It seems like he’ll be the Gandalf, Obi Wan, Dumbledore kinda guy who just dies earlier than we’re used to (though these guys always die). But no, he’s the real hero. He’s proof that magic is real and as powerful as ever, if only it had been given the chance to flourish. And he is spectacular in both the mentor and the hero roles, eccentricities hiding a remarkable Batman Gambit that saves the day more effectively than Galen ever could. His effectiveness as a character comes largely from Sir Ralph Richardson from Dr. Zhivago and The Heiress, along with like every Shakespeare production ever staged.

King Casiodorus Ulfilas is ostensibly our villain, but remember how this movie is a subversion of like the entire fantasy genre? No cackling laughter or mustache-twirling here. He’s a much more human kind of… not even evil, really, just human failing. Criticizing politicians as a whole isn’t uncommon in late 70s or early 80s genre fiction, and that’s what Casiodorus is here. He’s the leaders who toss out meaningless words like freedom and glory to force young men to die halfway across the world, then refuse to take care of the survivors. He’s the politicians who spy and cheat the people they’re supposed to represent. The pain he causes with his unjust policies doesn’t affect him, so he doesn’t care, and he won’t hear of any alternative… until suddenly it does affect him and he turns into a snivelling coward. It’s a lot more depth than I was expecting out of the cool dragon movie, and something I appreciate a lot. Peter Eyre is another old Shakespearean actor, best known on film for the Remains of the Day and From Hell.

Princess Elspeth Ulfilas is the most unequivocally ‘good’ character in the movie, and the one who stays closest to the expectation we have of her archetype. And what does she get for her kindness and selflessness? She gets ripped apart onscreen. It’s a brutal way to show the death of innocence and the consequences of trusting people like the King. Yes, she knew what she was getting into, even chose it, but that’s different than actually seeing her get eaten. Chloe Salaman doesn’t have many credits on her IMDB either, but she is Alec Guiness’s niece so that’s cool.

MUSIC

Good music never really dies. Several pieces from the orchestral score from 2001: A Space Odyssey were replaced by royalty-free classical pieces like the Blue Danube waltz, much to the annoyance of 15-time Academy Award winner Alex North. Happily, North found that some of the pieces that got cut worked pretty well here in Dragonslayer. The space station theme could represent a dragon in flight, and the Dawn of Man sequence made a fine opener. For the rest, he combined the synthesizer that had already become so popular in 80s fantasy with medieval instrumentation and harmonies, giving this a very unique old world meets new world that fits better than you’d think. Much of the score consists of five leitmotifs layered together to tell different parts of the story: one each for the villages’ suffering, magic, the amulet itself, the human sacrifices, and the love between Valerian and Galen. The end result is considered one of the best film scores in a year full of amazing film scores. It didn’t win the Oscar that year, but there’s no shame in losing to the theme from Chariots of Fire.

ARTISTRY

When you get the cinematographer from Alien, Derek Vanlint, to direct a fantasy movie, you’re not going to get sunshine and rainbows. They deliberately avoided the usual shining armor and colorful banners streaming in the wind in favor of a more realistic portrayal of medieval life. For once, the world of 80s fantasy set aside their glitter guns and replaced them with dirt and grit and nastiness. These people are not having a good time, and it shows on screen. This is one bleak-looking movie. And yet, the Welsh and Scottish countrysides still manage to be beautiful thanks to the creative use of lighting and matte paintings.

Also notable is the sheer amount of effort put into the costuming. Every stitch these characters are wearing is made with fabrics and dyes that would have been available to that social class at the time. Only the royals and Ulrich have silks and bright colors, and even those are used sparingly. Everyone else is in coarse, homespun fabrics covered with a thick layer of grime. It really makes this world feel realistic and lived-in. But that’s not what we’re really looking at here.

Oh my god you guys I could sing the praises of Vermithrax Pejorative all day every day for the rest of my life. In my not-so-humble opinion, the 1980’s were the absolute pinnacle of creature special effects. Fantasy was popular thanks to Dungeons and Dragons, but CGI wasn’t far enough along to make it convincing. So everything they put onscreen looks real because it is, and Dragonslayer took that and perfected it. This was the first time the legendary effects studio Industrial Light and Magic worked on a film that wasn’t made by Lucasfilm, and they made the most of having 25% of the movie’s entire budget to play with. And every penny of that shows on screen. Sixteen fullsized dragon puppets were built to perform different movements (flying, walking, breathing fire), including a 16-foot head, a 30-foot tail, and 30-foot wings. And it’s always fun to have military-grade World War II-era flamethrowers on set.

To make sure Vermithrax moved like a real, living creature, ILM brought in visual effects legend Phil Tippett. He’d previously done stop-motion effects on A New Hope and Empire Strikes Back. During the latter, he created a new process called Go-Motion that used motion blur and camera tricks to make the stop motion effects smooth and seamless at a time when most stop motion was incredibly jerky (think the Rankin-Bass Christmas specials). It was on this movie that they really perfected Go-Motion, and it looks incredible. You can’t tell it’s stop-motion at all. They also took pains to make sure she moved like a real reptilian creature of that size, observing komodo dragons and bats and drawing on the vast wealth of dinosaur knowledge Tippett would later bring to his creatures in Jurassic Park. The result is a cross between pterosaur and rattlesnake that took my breath away every time she came onscreen. George R.R. Martin calls her the best dragon to ever hit the screen, and you know what? I can totally see it. She’s amazing.

FINAL THOUGHTS

INHALES. DRAGONSLAYER. I can’t sing this movie’s praises enough. This is everything I could ever possibly want in a movie. Scary, but not too scary. Magical without being predictable. Cerebral and rebellious. And the cherry on top is a piece of effects work that’s still mind-blowingly awesome 43 years later. I’m actually legitimately annoyed Pluto.TV took it off its streaming service while I was watching it, I want to watch this movie over and over again. Actually, I want to inject this movie directly into my bloodstream, but as that’s not currently feasible, I’ll settle for watching it 5754198242175494987215274021432 more times.

Oh, and if you really want to know what I’ve been quoting this review: here. Warning for s*x mentions and language but it’s very, very funny.

Favorite scene: Yes. All of it. The whole movie. Shoutout to Vermithrax chasing Galen through the cave up through her mourning her babies. Practical effects at their very, very finest.

Final rating: 9/10. For those keeping score at home, that’s higher than Leagues. I don’t believe in perfect scores but omg wow.

In the next review, we slay more things! Like bears! And foxes! And we’ll come perilously close to slaying an animation studio….